justified and ancient

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image credit…. kriistina wilson

Fortunately analysis is not the only way to resolve inner conflicts. Life itself still remains a very effective therapist.

this year has opened up the realization that i still have some anger issues. not just current ones, but some residual leftover justified and ancient pissed off. haven’t actually taken the time to figure out what the f**k i am angry about, but i have learned that it’s okay to move one step at a time.

as i do the work again with my sponsor i find that the revelations are more intimate. at the same time, my work grows in intensity- both quality and quantity- at the hospital. i am discovering just how primitive and how intricate working with others can be. 

what i do know is that this hidden side of me- the angry side- has protected me for years. it has allowed me to operate “as if” when i most definitely could not have otherwise. this makes good sense to me, but i honestly had no clue that my rage and i had formed a symbiotic relationship. i’m not even sure i have a clue as to how not to be angry- that’s a scary statement.

now i am not talking about typical garden variety anger here. no, no, no. i am talking deep rooted thistle type anger that keeps coming back even after you pull it, burn it, dig it. that’s the kind of rage i think there is. rage so thick that it protected me from all the times i was used and discarded, all the names i was called growing up. anger that encircled me in denial for the 1st 12 years of being hiv positive- that double helix kept me alive and strong for over a decade as if i had an inner layer of titanium protecting me from the environment.   i know it has been there since my childhood. and i know that it has been my soldier and hero. but i can definitely say it’s not serving that purpose in my life today.

this is probably the 1st post of at least a few to process and saute this issue. i pray that i am actually ready to let go of this no longer needed companion. i ask for the strength to trust life today. no doubt this will take time. and i’ve already been given more time than i had ever imagined.

They’re Justified, and they’re Ancient,
And they like to roam the land.
(just roll it from the top)
They’re Justified, and they’re Ancient,
I hope you understand.
(to the bridge, to the bridge, to the bridge now)
They called me up in Tennessee
They said “Tammy, stand by The Jams”
But if you don’t like what they’re going to do,
You better not stop them ’cause they’re coming through
(bring the beat back)

One thought on “justified and ancient

    Jeremiah Andrews said:
    February 22, 2012 at 9:38 pm

    Deep seeded anger that boils and recurs is a scary thing. Maybe that anger the first 12 years of being POZ kept you alive? I don't know if I was ever that angry about being poz myself. Todd kept me on a very short leash. He would tell me that I needed to point my anger and fear inwards and let it carry me forwards to live, and not die.

    Anger, I think is primitive. We all have it. It is how we choose to deal with it that matters. Anger is a luxury we cannot afford to carry around with us, especially when we work so closely with others. You never know when you might get triggered and if the trigger is BIG enough, the reaction can be ( 0 to 600mph) in an instant.

    Todd was a good teacher for me. In those first two years he taught me everything I needed to know how to survive and what to do with destructive emotions. You know, ACT UP men back in the day used to dwell on anger for many reasons, for some it kept them alive a bit longer.

    I think these are all lessons that need to be unpacked. Honoring each emotion and finding where it needs to be now, and where it was located in the past. I am sure we both and many others have experienced the myriads of emotions from childhood into our adulthood.

    It is good that you are working with a sponsor, I hope he is present for you to speak about these things as you need to. Sometimes that searching and moral inventory can be harsh.

    You have named your anger, and told on it. You have shared it with another, and as you unpack it if it is possible, maybe it will be time to let it go, because it served you well, and if you don't need it any longer, then there is no need to carry it forwards. Put it down and walk away from it. That may take some work, and time is your friend. You don't have to let go of all those things all at once.

    Honor the feelings and emotions, see where they served you and HOW they served you. We lived. That is a truth. Honor the journey you are on. I am always here for you.



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