that’s life

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That’s life(That’s life)I tell you,
I can’t deny it

I thought of quitting, baby
but my heart just ain’t gonna buy it
And if I didn’t think it was worth one single try
I’d jump right on a big bird and then I’d fly
I’ve been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king
I’ve been up and down and over and out and I know one thing
Each time I find myself layin’ flat on my face
I just pick myself up and get back in the race

i don’t really know quite how to begin this post. so i guess i’m just gonna let her rip. just past midnight on thursday morning in a movie theater located in the outskirts of aurora colorado, a mysterious and angry gunman burst through the exit doors and starting blasting his automatics in the seats. panic ensued and the agitated one started using the fleeing audience members as target practice, like this killing 10 non-provoking movie-goers and injuring 70 others. bullets even pierced the walls of the theater and hit 2 or 3 persons in the next theater over.

many many coloradans have been shocked like this before at columbine. and most of the people i know who  were around during the famous school massacre have had an ache reopened that was hoped had been buried forever. trauma may actually never go away though. as much as i hate it, i must acknowledge it exists. and it takes up space.

i am picking up this post a day later. there sure have been some things that have transpired since yesterday.  i took my mother to see “to rome with love”. it was so forgettable and bland. but i did it to support her really. she had called me in the middle of the day on friday to talk about the shootings. i was busy and didn’t really feel like talking, but i shifted gears on purpose and made myself available to listen. it actually helped me a little i think to be available. and i decided to follow up with a film because she mentioned that she was leery of the theater experience now. we went, and i think she moved through something.

i shared today at a meeting about what i know now about myself. i grew up in a house where my mother drank too much way too often and had several dysfunctional, often turbulent, and sometimes violent relationships. i learned early on to turn a cheek to fear and terror in order to survive. otherwise i would have been over run by fear a good amount of the time.

my belief is that i am good to have around in a crisis because i have learned to surf the fear and the crazy pretty well. i fall apart when things are calm, but when there is an incident such as the shooting on thursday, i turn outward and don’t look in. that my first response.

after a few weeks, i saw my sponsor today. he has been very ill and is struggling with finding balance and emotional safety. i realized that my first response is handy, but is not what is needed in this situation. i need to be pushy, i need to be loving, and i need to be around him. this i think i can do. at least i hope so.

i have written once or twice on how busy i have kept myself and how confused i become about the direction in which i am traveling. all that continues to be. i am realizing that my expectations and my ego do get in the way of the work i am doing. i am trying to ignite culture change at my workplace, and i find that my intention gets muddied over credit and acknowledgement.

who’d have thought that i am just as human as the next guy? i guess that’s life. and honestly, i am blessed to be here. so i guess i’ll just keep moving forward.

2 thoughts on “that’s life

    Jeremiah Andrews said:
    July 24, 2012 at 10:41 pm

    The wave came up and broadsided everyone on Friday morning. Nobody expected a crazy man to ignite fear and memories of the tragedy of Columbine. The wave came and hit you and mom and you rode it the best way you know how to do. I always say that “being present” is the greatest gift we can give to ourselves and others in sobriety. In fact that is mentioned it today's daily reflection.

    You are on a journey with a destination still unknown. And sobriety is going to challenge you to grow and sometimes the lessons are stark and scary. But you weathered it well. I know that sometimes you are your own worst enemy in being too critical of your skills at any point on the journey. That will change …

    They say expectations are a luxury that people getting sober can't afford. And the ego is that part of ourselves that we work to rid ourselves of – and nobody has a fail safe true answer on how to do that except to put others first when the light turns on to our egos. Nothing deadens the ego more than self sacrifice and service to your brothers and sisters.

    It seems that you did not mention, but it is apparent, that you are dealing with an influx of emotions that are rattling your cage, so to speak. And you question the direction you are traveling in. A little introspection is useful until it becomes a burden to you.

    I don't know where I am going yet, I start with my day and I have learned to stay in my day when I start to get caught up in “where am I going?”

    Life is a journey filled with twists and turns and pain and growth. The trick is to learn how to weather each point successfully. In time you may see the wisdom here, if it isn't apparent to you right now.

    Be mindful of yourself. Give of your time, talent and treasure and you will reap the rewards of good works and kindness.

    I feel like you are in pain and that is an uncomfortable place to be in, so I will tell you that “This too shall pass.”

    I keep you and your sponsor in my thoughts and prayers. Take it easy and easy does it.

    If you don't know where you are going it is well to sit down where you are and take stock of your surroundings and consult your guides and maps BUT don't make your next move until you are totally aware of what's around you so that the next decision you make will be a good one.

    Be at peace. The world weeps with Colorado.



    rod rushing said:
    July 25, 2012 at 5:16 pm

    thanks for your words and thoughts. i am still learning not to shut down, but remain open. this is my work. staying open and learning to let go. those keep me on my toes..

    glad you are well. may peace be with you..


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