i think i may have reached a turning point in my career. at this juncture, i have encountered something which seems new and also defeatist. that something is fear.
i am not sure what exactly i am afraid of which might actually make this whole situation seem worse. i might be afraid of failure which is possible. i might be afraid of losing my security which has sensible attributes. i might actually be afraid that my colleagues and supervisors may judge me although i have no doubt that they already engage in activities like that. but as i said, i am not sure what i might fearful of.
and being fearful is what is unusual for me. until now, i have just moved forward with ideas and creating processes and programs mostly because i was in the position to do so and i could channel the capability. as i stand on the threshold of doing more and creating more, i feel the winds of second thoughts and reticence and the whole thing has me a bit spooked.
experience tells me that creating processes and programs comes with a price tag. i have given up friends, i have let go of support mechanisms that were dear, and i have walked through old trauma as it was triggered by a rival. i have played politics among frenemies as if it were a poker tournament for dollars and control.
this gambling and wagering and jockeying for the win happen to be my least favorite of all this. i would just prefer to have the freedom to create things and i definitely would prefer that all the processes and ideas i have would be wonderful and win accolades. sadly tho, that is fantastical rubbish. there are many players who have similar ideas and hold similar hopes.
maybe i just don’t want the competition. maybe i just don’t like to lose. i do like challenges. i don’t however like to walk precarious paths in order to rise above those challenges at least not while being scrutinized by rivals.
it seems that the turning point i speak of has to do with coming in off this ledge i seemed to have wandered onto. i have to make a decision to try something more (or not). i guess we’ll see how this all turns out.
Turned away from it all like a blind man
Sat on a fence but it don’t work
Keep coming up with love but it’s so slashed and torn
Why, why, why?
Insanity laughs under pressure we’re cracking
Can’t we give ourselves one more chance?
Why can’t we give love that one more chance?
Why can’t we give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love?..