chaos and the calm

“Ordinarily, it is difficult to remember one’s past life. Such recollections seem to be more vivid when the child is very young, such as two or three, and in some cases even younger. …When the present body is fully formed, the ability to recall past life seems to diminish. The mental associations with this life become increasingly dominant. There is a close relationship during the first few years of one’s life with the continuum of consciousness from the previous life. But as experiences of this life become more developed and elaborate, they dominate. It is also possible within this lifetime to enhance the power of the mind, enabling one to reaccess memories from previous lives. Such recollection tends to be more accessible during meditative experiences in the dream state. Once one has accessed memories of previous lives in the dream state, one gradually recalls them in the waking state.” From Consciousness at the Crossroads: Conversations with The Dalai Lama on Brain Science and Buddhism

my professional life has felt like a cake baking in the oven. it seemed to have expanded its volume, but it is not clear whether the increase will remain or if it is all air and will fall when removed from the oven. i received some good (i think) news today, but remain apprehensive about the specific domino fall that may follow. i am nervous and excited. and i work to feel okay with not knowing. i hope and i refrain.

i remember a conversation i had with a lifelong friend the night that we met. it had to do with hope and demise and the symbiotic and yin-yang relationship they seem to have. a person’s demise is often connected to their hope. i have maintained this perspective since i claimed it in 1980 during a full moon lit walk along lake shore drive chicago.

so when i feel excitedly hopeful about the prospects of possible outcomes of this not unexpected news, i have found myself worried about the hope i muster. and if a hope become reality, what if what i hope becomes worse than what i have? or more strangely, what if it becomes better?