1973

the goddamn lady

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Mental health needs a great deal of attention. It's the final taboo and it needs to be faced and dealt with. Adam Ant Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/mental_health.html#KrJ3hdPEWUCjw5os.99
Mental health needs a great deal of attention. It’s the final taboo and it needs to be faced and dealt with.
Adam Ant 

i moved to the lakeview neighborhood in chicago in 1974. it became a learning experience that changed my world during the 12 years i was there. walking up and down clark, broadway, and halsted between addison and fullerton became a regular activity. it was easy to check out the in and out flow of boutique shops in the neighborhoods, take a look at the fashions of the moment, and to see how some other parts of the populations lived, breathed, and survived. that’s where i first encountered her- the “goddamn” lady. she was a caucasian woman in her 50’s who lived on the street (assumption) and would wander the streets mumbling to herself with the occasionally “GODDAMN” shared at full decibel. it startled me initially. i was in my late teens and had no first hand experience with homelessness or severe mental health. i had never even heard of tourette’s syndrome. quickly however, the goddamn lady became a part of my vernacular, my scenery and my neighborhood- especially once i realized she probably would most likely not harm me.  i was 17 years old then. leaving home, living a bohemian lifestyle in the urban setting of northside chicago, graced me with propensity for acceptance and diversity that continues to pay dividends in my life.

now if i could only start to find more compassion and understanding when i see or hear from the likes of sarah palin, ted cruz, or the teaparty crew- after all- there are significant visible evidence of mental health issues demonstrated.

This entry was posted in 1970's chicago, 1973, mental health recovery, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , .

room for happiness

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image credit…domenico cennamo
I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed………..Michael Jordan
2012 has been a series of big crazy issues. death, loss, grief, frustration seem to have over-seasoned my life’s buffet. in the few short weeks that have passed thus far,  i have found myself feeling plucked and pooped most of the time. and i have also realized that i have been overeating, watching too much tv, and toggling to porn mindlessly while online. it’s  certainly embarrassing and not the direction i would like my life to be headed.
please don’t panic…. change is in the works. with the onset of sobriety and a spiritual program, the behaviors and reactions to life that used to hurl me into chaos and darkness don’t land me out of bounds any longer. i find i still  drift to numbing out, but it’s manageable and detectable and i can work with it. 
this perspective is indeed a shift in perception for my life. a miracle. it’s not about hating myself because i have ruined my life and made a fool of myself. instead, a sober mind and a spiritual connection has offered me a time out with the skills of acceptance and forgiveness. 
image credit…. domenico cennamo
i deliberated quite awhile for a song to play with this short post. i came to rest on the idea of 1973 by james blunt. that was a tumultuous year for me. it was my 1st and 2nd year in high school. i had already moved twice and changed schools twice. my home life was rife with a very unhappy parent who was medicating heavily with sex and alcohol. i had become accustomed to feeling responsible for their unhappiness and so it came naturally that i blamed myself. i had engaged in sexual activity with an 18 year old from the 1st school who made it his business to tell as many people about it. the shame of being queer ate me inside like cancer. leaving home seemed the only relief giving solution. i left in august of 74, but began my search for a landing pad in 1973. i used some fake id’s and frequented a bath house in chicago called man’s country. it was rich with distraction  and acceptance for me.  i wasn’t the only queer. i wasn’t the only freak.  i just learned a different type of shame being around older gay men.
anyway- that was when the drug use started to climb. and the ability to face life got put on the back shelf. i ran from my life. and kept going for almost 30 years. 1973 was a pivotal period. my emotional life got put on hold for decades. here i am 40 years later- still learning new skills to help me stay in the game. 

and as an addendum, i am adding another tune. this one hails from clubland and which brings the post to the present. kaskade collaborates with skylar grey and the lyrics are a bit frothy and both music and words strike a chord with me. the add is to represent the daily reminder that i must give myself that i need to make room for happiness in my life and my heart.

Kaskade – Room For Happiness Lyrics (Feat. Skylar Grey)
Sometimes I wish I never felt the influence of you
‘Cuz now I feel a disconnect, like an open wound
Where you once were, there’s now a space that runs as deep as hell
But every morning when I wake I tell myself
Don’t be fooled by your emptiness, there’s so much more room for happiness
Don’t be fooled by your emptiness, there’s so much more room for happiness

This entry was posted in 1973, 2nd stage recovery, 2nd stage sobriety, chicago, james blunt, lgbt issues, recovery, shame, trauma.