a beautiful mess

northern lights

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One great question underlies our experience, whether we think about it or not: what is the purpose of life? From the moment of birth every human being wants happiness and does not want suffering. Neither social conditioning nor education nor ideology affects this. From the very core of our being, we simply desire contentment. Therefore, it is important to discover what will bring about the greatest degree of happiness By Dalai Lama
One great question underlies our experience, whether we think about it or not: what is the purpose of life? From the moment of birth every human being wants happiness and does not want suffering. Neither social conditioning nor education nor ideology affects this. From the very core of our being, we simply desire contentment. Therefore, it is important to discover what will bring about the greatest degree of happiness
By Dalai Lama

there is a balance within my moods which is right-sizing and humbling. i have made many changes this last season and now i must settle in to those changes. sadly, i find myself struggling with the process of that settling. and with synchronicity a cold front moved through and brought snow to the mountains and chilly gray days to our usually sunny, warm, and blue days and so i am matching today on the inside and the outside- in a little shock.

my nest is all atwitter with belongings tossed everywhere without a care for finding their home. this too reflects the state of my mind. i am not in an organized space. i am in the process of changing, but that process is not complete. i am on the verge. it is the precipice. it is the edge of something next. and I do not know. I can only trust.

I have been visiting halfway houses and jails discussing hep-c, prevention, and treatment with the people involved in those programs. I am to increase this part of my job as I move forward. I contacted the public hospital to inquire about collaborating with hiv testing while I am doing my thing. we’ll see where that goes. I feel as if I am just at the beginning of actualizing my ability at this new gig.

I have become fascinated with the bastille cover version of an old tlc song “no scrubs”. it is such a strange and campy choice for a male band. it makes me smile. and  this particular meowsie remix with the audio clips from the original “psycho” take me on some strange sort of mental journey. it’s fun and a bit creepy. if you are familiar with my blog at all, you will know well how enamored I am with bastille and their covers.

I don’t want no scrub
A scrub is a guy that can’t get no love from me
Hanging out the passenger side
Of his best friend’s ride
Trying to holler at me
I don’t want no scrub
A scrub is a guy that can’t get no love from me
Hanging out the passenger side
Of his best friend’s ride
Trying to holler at me
But a scrub is checkin’ me
But his game is kinda weak
And I know that he cannot approach me
Cuz I’m lookin’ like class and he’s lookin’ like trash
Can’t get wit’ no deadbeat ass
So (no)
I don’t want your number (no)
I don’t want to give you mine and (no)
I don’t want to meet you nowhere (no)
I don’t want none of your time (no)

unwind, unbind, rewind, remind

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last friday i flew to chicago and promptly drove to union pier michigan with a couple of friends to spend time in a cottage here that they have adopted as their home away. i spent the 1st 36 hours unwinding, rewinding, unbinding, and unbending all the knots and twists and broken places that i have barely noticed have taken place since this part of my journey began nearly 10 years ago.

it seems so simple now with hindsight to see that most of what i have experienced may well have been about patching holes i had in my life rather than creating new space and adventures. it seems funny and almost bittersweet to think that i have been refinishing and re-upholstering these last 10 years to try to bring my being to reflect the empirical value of my experiences and my life to be emblematic of a metaphor with the value of all the experiences, tragedies, and triumphs that any life may hold.

these next years just may be about seeing what this old but polished up vessel may still have left in her with regard to sea-worthiness. i can’t guarantee she will sail around the world, but i am confident there will be new ports of call. this is cause for hope.

i plan on connecting with a former neighbor who has relocated to a town about 10 minutes from here. it seems strange that life can be so connected that my past can intersect with my present in such a randomly concise way. but that is life as i know it.

i typed out a post which seemed perfect earlier here. then with one random stroke trying to properly place my little pic of the beach stairs, i erased those 8 paragraphs. i don’t have it in me to recreate them. i know better than to be angry about it. i can only move forward in the here and now. letting go of what could have been and what i intended. what i am left with is what actually from 1 perspective. no doubt it is as good as it gets. loving this rewind.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11T8qRgum0g

the biggest mess

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today i sat in a room full of gay men with hiv who are working through some issues in their lives caused by substance use and watched a short video called “the biggest mess”. it is an educational film about party drugs done in the format of a campy beauty contest with the same name as the title and speaks about how absolutely ugly messy some people get when the overuse. It’s dated now (produced  in 2003) but it makes a clear shot as it illustrates the dark side of the party for gay guys. 

it is hard not to laugh at some of the obvious jokes in the film. it lasts about 26 minutes and no doubt it stirs the hearts of those who can identify even in the slightest with the subject matter. Party drugs and recreational approaches to getting high are a cultural standard for gay men and the activities can slip into being competitive or obsessive as they often provide direct lines to pleasure and validation. and having some personal experience with being a mess, if found myself sitting in a room of contemporaries of a sort. so many of them at random places of transition in their journey from the ends of their respective tethers back to some semblance of stability. Putting some order back into one’s life after having been blown apart is hard work.

as i listened to them share their impressions of the film and relate it to their own stories, it was evident there was more than the lion’s share of guilt and self-judgement among them. they seem to be trying to figure out what paths to follow and what voices in their heads actually have meaning and guidance that might have merit.

what i could not help but absorb with the telling of stories was the construction of a poem or perhaps a cantata. the subject was sounded so clearly just like those that have been written about since man’s experiences have been catalogued. many of them may very well be on the path of the spiritual warrior. they have travelled hazardously into places unknown and somehow lost site of their way. and here they gather, with a common goal of recapturing grace in their lives. and what beautiful stanzas were devised.

there are now times in my life that i am dumbfounded by the grandeur and the simplicity through which my life meanders. here i sat with these magic men, storytellers, and travellers and saw a glimpse of a miracle. small and quiet and unencumbered, it was a day to remember.

Happiness is every person’s choice, but few make an effort for it.

The Spiritual Warrior is a person who challenges the dreams of fear, lies, false beliefs, and judgments that create suffering and unhappiness in his or her life. It is a war that takes place in the heart and mind of a man or woman. The quest of the Spiritual Warrior is the same as spiritual seekers around the world. The Spiritual Warrior faces this challenge with the clarity and awareness that this war is fought within himself and that Truth and unconditional love are on the other side of these battles….reprinted from ToltecSpirit.com