this year has opened up the realization that i still have some anger issues. not just current ones, but some residual leftover justified and ancient pissed off. haven’t actually taken the time to figure out what the f**k i am angry about, but i have learned that it’s okay to move one step at a time.
as i do the work again with my sponsor i find that the revelations are more intimate. at the same time, my work grows in intensity- both quality and quantity- at the hospital. i am discovering just how primitive and how intricate working with others can be.
what i do know is that this hidden side of me- the angry side- has protected me for years. it has allowed me to operate “as if” when i most definitely could not have otherwise. this makes good sense to me, but i honestly had no clue that my rage and i had formed a symbiotic relationship. i’m not even sure i have a clue as to how not to be angry- that’s a scary statement.
now i am not talking about typical garden variety anger here. no, no, no. i am talking deep rooted thistle type anger that keeps coming back even after you pull it, burn it, dig it. that’s the kind of rage i think there is. rage so thick that it protected me from all the times i was used and discarded, all the names i was called growing up. anger that encircled me in denial for the 1st 12 years of being hiv positive- that double helix kept me alive and strong for over a decade as if i had an inner layer of titanium protecting me from the environment. i know it has been there since my childhood. and i know that it has been my soldier and hero. but i can definitely say it’s not serving that purpose in my life today.
this is probably the 1st post of at least a few to process and saute this issue. i pray that i am actually ready to let go of this no longer needed companion. i ask for the strength to trust life today. no doubt this will take time. and i’ve already been given more time than i had ever imagined.
“I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy.”…Rabindranath Tagore
i spent the morning reading texts from a friend who is angry. not at me per se, but at life. he has struggled with his art, his work, and his finances for the last several years. my belief is that it is taking quite a toll.
he has always had a tendency to be critial of others and sharp witted with his criticisms. but this once very entertaining leaning of his seems to have shifted into toxic territory. members of his inner circle have left the building and are staying as far away as they can. getting close somehow gets them under his silver-tongued knife and who wants to live like that?
not surprisingly, he messaged me with diatribe that was intended to surprise and stir up doo doo about them and with me. and on a small scale, it worked, but i didn’t want to give rise to that energy. some of what he said was no doubt true, but certainly not all of it, and his intentions didn’t merit respect.
but i’ve known him for 30 years or so. i care about him and have made a few attempts to share my new direction with him, and he listens although i am not sure he hears. i know he is hurt by this seemingly endless struggle, by the loss of his nearest and dearest, by the insistence of his family that he let go of some of his dreams, and this hurt has become a virus that has taken hold of his heart.
i am sad. i rebuffed his shit-stirring attempts and highlighted the posture of assuming the best, making room for good in life, choosing peace. but i don’t know if i’m heard. i don’t know if i can help. i know i don’t have to to judge or set free. i can try to understand and hold a light. i can remember that i have loved him and understand he may need it now more than ever.
carly simon.. 1994… grand central station…. i haven’t got time for the pain..
i got a call yesterday from a guy whom i used to work with. i had helped get a program called “mile high meth project” going- had done a lot of research, checked out programs in other cities, campaigned for funding with the ryan white fund aficionados and had delivered an evidence based curriculum for gay men and a funded 3 year grant. it had been work, but mostly fun because that’s how i roll. anyway this guy came into the picture after being released from employment at a boulder case management agency and came on board with our programs. he he infused himself with stealth into our team and began to smoothly accept credit for work he hadn’t done. it irritated me a bit and i still haven’t forgotten- but that’s later on. soon after he arrived, i was released from service from that agency after some protracted intrigue and planned deception. you can read about a bit here at my former blog..
so when he called today, i felt a rush go through my system. it was one of those moments i had quietly been coveting for a few years- a possible opportunity to right some old wrongs and get some vengeance. i returned the call and spoke with the now mad hatter. he has recently been released from service from this same agency and has concocted a scheme to bring a suit against the organization, perhaps to right his own wrong- or perhaps to fix a plate of steaming hot revenge. he relayed his 4 pointed plan and i realized that here within my reach was something i had fantasized about these years and it was completely vulgar and distasteful. i quickly wondered how i got to this point, but immediately knew that i had created this window. now all i have to do is find a way to board it up.
thank god for my inability to take action sometimes. it saves me from myself… i don’t always really want what i dream about. not at all. not even a little. .