now this is not an unfamiliar place for me at all. it is very much my nature to instinctively hunker myself into a position which causes me to feel disadvantaged. i actually can feel the familiarity as a sightless person may understand braille- uber sensory. also aligned with my primal patterns is a tendency to cut my losses, vacate the premises, and try my damnedest to not look back. somehow i have always not only possessed this ability but i have been blessed enough to have had the where-with-all to begin again on several occasions. just like the song says- i have been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn, and a king.
as i walk this turn on the spiral of my life, i find myself at least more aware of my path. the pull of my instinct is embedded and strong. this cellular memory has kept me alive and safe throughout all the fails of my past. it would be foolish to deny its integral aspect of my soul. a shift though, is my resistance to bang the integral drum by fleeing.
i am opting to work on keeping my heart open and creating space for something good (and decidedly different) to come into play. i have witnessed what i might consider signs that this may be a very good decision for me. these tickles of hope just may scratch this veneer that has protected me this half century, and it might bring a new option for my story. i am also afraid- very afraid that i will have to endure the same feelings i always run from as they infiltrate my soul with the intensity of a tsunami. the emotional part of me swears that these feelings will destroy me. the more adult part knows very well that i have already survived – countless times.
i guess life is checking me and it’s time for me to consider my next move. maybe that move is not to move just yet. but let me catch up to my life instead of my life being ahead of me so often.
i included 2 musical selections today. one for my past and one for my future.
Stage II™ Recovery answers will seldom be found in Stage I recovery groups. They have different focuses, and that’s okay. Keep in mind, one stage is not better than another. There can be no Stage II if Stage I has not been won. Recovery does not end with sobriety.
this is the intro description from from earnie larsen’s site. i think it reflects some insight that is required to really understand ourselves. i am damn sure i did not possess that insight early in my sobriety. i am not sure am in touch with this afore described self-knowledge. i am still working on this.
but i am very aware that i have gained volumes of understanding how i operate in the world in the years with no substances. i have gained and lost faith and reunited with it again. i have remembered my frailties and stumbled painfully beside them. i have found strength i really had no idea i possessed. i have lost all sight of being able to stay connected on the earth. and i have forgiven myself, many others i know for not living up to my expectations. and i have raised the bar on what might be possible in my life. i have learned to share my joy and i have learned to say “enough” and “no thank you”. and i have started on the path of belief.
i have had an epiphany this weekend. i have realized that i learned to be taken advantage of, used, and joked about publicly was something i experienced before the 5th grade. it became something i have been recreating over and over and over infinitum. because i got loaded so often, it never occurred to me that there might be such a pattern in my life. the new twist is that this is a pattern- not an isolated incident. it is a one-two-three act play that has been handstitched onto the cover of of my story.
and even after i got sober, i hadn’t a clue that such a pattern could even exist in my psyche. but these last few years have revealed not only an existence, but a thriving terrarium holding my head and heart hostage for most of my life and stealing the nutrients that nourish a healthy journey.
but today i have finally been blessed with the grace of some self-knowledge around this. no doubt it is too ingrained a pattern to simply disappear. frankly it will probably continue to sprout with unwelcome like the dandelions and thistles that speckle my lawn. but at least now i have the option of side-stepping this life long habit of turning punk. i thank the universe for the quietly thunderous tectonic plate shift that sobriety has unveiled. truly amazing. so damn happy.
There are not many days like Tuesday, Dec. 21, 2010. Take it from people who know – astronomers. There was maybe one day like this Tuesday in the past 2,000 years.
On Tuesday morning, astronomers say, there will be – or depending on when this is read, was – a total eclipse of the moon. And on the very same day, the winter solstice arrives.
The last time the two celestial events occurred within the same calendar day was long before any of our lifetimes. The year, according to Geoff Chester, public affairs officer at the U.S. Naval Observatory, was 1638. Although the solstice does not always occur on the same date each year, the date in 1638 was the same as Tuesday’s – Dec. 21.
Chester said he looked it up, because as the time of the two events drew nearer, people began to make inquiries of him. He said his research took him back to the year A.D. 1. eemed to be reasonably far back. He consulted “a number of well-respected sources.” And his finding, essentially was this: “It’s a comparatively rare event.” Although it does not appear to have any cosmic significance. read the rest of this story here
or visit NASA’s eclipse website here
By Martin Weil
Washington Post Staff Writer
T uesday, December 21, 2010
Prayer does not change God, but it changes him who prays. ~Søren Kierkegaard
LOS ANGELES (Reuters) – Soul singer Aretha Franklin is “recovering and her spirits are high” after surgery for an undisclosed health issue, according to U.S. civil rights leader Jesse Jackson.
“She’s doing very well. She’s very prayerful. She’s a woman full of deep religious faith,” Jackson was quoted as telling the Detroit News after a private visit with Franklin at an undisclosed location in the city on Friday.
Franklin’s publicist, Tracey Jordan, confirmed on Saturday the Jackson visit. Neither said what was ailing the 68-year-old singer, who last month canceled all her appearances until May 2011.
Franklin said in a statement on Thursday that she had undergone “highly successful surgery” but no one has disclosed the nature of her illness….. reprinted from abc.com