life is full again. so many good thoughts. so many great opportunities. numerous kind words exchanged. promise and practice. i didn’t know i could let go so unwillingly. of course, i struggle way too much. but i am finding it (finally) to be really quire tiring.
i was to go on a date last weekend but plans changed and i found myself relieved because i honestly can’t say i feel date-ready. i am riding a wave of change at my workplace that i somehow had anticipated and channeled. i get to see ideas come to fruition and savor accomplishment. i smile most of the time and it is not about creating reality. this is my reality.
naivete aside, i don’t attach any forever here. it is now. it is amazing. it is all the way live.
the pema chodron quote above has snuck its way into my psyche. if i think about the last few years of sobriety, i am immediately accompanied by the onset of ancient feelings that prior to sobriety, i had no real idea existed. but exist they did, and fester they did, deep down inside imprinting furrows and crevasses that petrified and fossilized much of my interior.
if a miracle is a shift in perception as a course in miracles defines, then i find myself opening a shop on miracle boulevard. and i hope to open for visitors soon. something has definitely shifted. i have let go of some fear that i couldn’t until just very recently. quietly and without fanfare, the refreshing waters of forgiveness and letting go in many many facets of my life have refreshed the dried up river beds of my memories.
i am thankful today. i am in awe. i am humbled. i believe. let the river run.. and i’m gonna run through it barefoot with laughter in my heart. let the river run.
“I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy.”…Rabindranath Tagore
i spent the morning reading texts from a friend who is angry. not at me per se, but at life. he has struggled with his art, his work, and his finances for the last several years. my belief is that it is taking quite a toll.
he has always had a tendency to be critial of others and sharp witted with his criticisms. but this once very entertaining leaning of his seems to have shifted into toxic territory. members of his inner circle have left the building and are staying as far away as they can. getting close somehow gets them under his silver-tongued knife and who wants to live like that?
not surprisingly, he messaged me with diatribe that was intended to surprise and stir up doo doo about them and with me. and on a small scale, it worked, but i didn’t want to give rise to that energy. some of what he said was no doubt true, but certainly not all of it, and his intentions didn’t merit respect.
but i’ve known him for 30 years or so. i care about him and have made a few attempts to share my new direction with him, and he listens although i am not sure he hears. i know he is hurt by this seemingly endless struggle, by the loss of his nearest and dearest, by the insistence of his family that he let go of some of his dreams, and this hurt has become a virus that has taken hold of his heart.
i am sad. i rebuffed his shit-stirring attempts and highlighted the posture of assuming the best, making room for good in life, choosing peace. but i don’t know if i’m heard. i don’t know if i can help. i know i don’t have to to judge or set free. i can try to understand and hold a light. i can remember that i have loved him and understand he may need it now more than ever.
carly simon.. 1994… grand central station…. i haven’t got time for the pain..