i wish you love

re-edit loving you (film version)

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image credit andy houghton

“Everyone is always going through tough things, the irony in it is that everyone thinks what they’re going through is just as hard as what you are. Life isn’t about surviving this, it’s about understanding this. ” 
 Nicholas Sparks

at my age, it seems frivolous to be clumsy when it comes to love. i only wish that i had more field experience. but as is the case with trauma, i dug myself into a dark hole when it came to matters of my heart and i just remained there about 30 years.

at a certain juncture in this life, i was free-spirited, open, experimental, inclusive, and curious. or at least i think i was. maybe i had already begun to travel down a dark path looking for something i didn’t believe i was worthy of, and landing myself in situations that would confirm just that. i made friends easily. i had a circle of acquaintances and confidants that both satisfied me and engaged me in growing in new directions. i had relationships aplenty until about 1996.

somewhere along the way, this grimm fairytale ended. the disney-like qualities and the naivete of my late teens and early twenties collided with a tsunami of fear and death and my personal story slipped into step with something that seemed otherworldly. the self-judgement and lack of grounding that can subterfuge a child that has been molested is not just a temporary thing. it can affect a lifetime. add to this, the double punch that society can add to a homosexuals life, and there you will find a recipe for substance abuse, sexual addiction,  and self-sabotage. and i wore these garments as if the next decades were catwalks.

Louise L Hay

” I find it hard to believe that the vast, incredible Intelligence that created this entire Universe is only and old man sitting on a cloud above the Planet Earth….watching my genitals! Yet so many of us were taught this concept as a child. It is vital that we release foolish, outmoded ideas that do not support us and nourish us. I feel strongly that even our concept of God needs to be one that is for us, not against us. There are so many different religions to choose from. If you have one now that tells you, you are a sinner and a lowly worm, get another one.”

“When we remove sexual guilt from people and teach them to love and respect themselves, then they will automatically treat themselves and others in ways that are for their highest good and greatest joy.”

of course, these are internal struggles and issues. the visible side of my life didn’t take such a dark turn always. it was, however, interacting with the interior goings-on at many many turns. and luckily, i have been able to rebound professionally somewhat, even though my emotional life is still rather stunted. but this inner life is where most of my focus goes now.

i find that i now examine my relationships with a more critical eye. i don’t feel natural in my reactions to life. it feels protracted often. i love my friends- dearly. i am grateful that they have seen me at my worst and my best and have decided i am worth continuing to know. there is no amount of forgiveness that i haven’t been given and it is the test for me to give the same in return.

being my age and afraid to feel hurt seems whacked. understanding that the hurt that comes along in my life will fade takes perspective. i still want to go back into that dark hole where i don’t have to encounter anything when hurt comes my way. and sometimes i still do but remembering that dark doesn’t contain light, and light is needed in my life- as often as possible.

so for today, i am remembering that being angry and afraid is not how i have to live my life. i have options. i have choices. i can take a chance and let go of this anger and fear. i can realize that maybe you don’t know how i feel. maybe you don’t connect your stance with where i am at. i have seen the movie from this seat before and i didn’t like the view. but instead of getting angry, i can just find a new seat in the theatre.

oracle

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oracle…an authoritative or wise statement or prediction.

i am on the precipice of what is to come. i know that i am in the process of change in my life somehow. i have been holding on to some things too long and cannot find a graceful way to let go. there is fear that i won’t matter, i suppose, if i am not involved, while being “involved” involves mostly prickly pain.

i am so blessed in my being. i have been able to tackle so many things in this life-both the deeply dark and the delightful. i have landed on my feet so many times when leaping was all i could do. i would like to think that people depend on me, but i don’t believe this to actually be true. i think more that people expect more from me than i am willing to give most of the time and the result is internal conflict.

what is my nature? is it to stir things up and get out when things get tough? is it to push forward because i can, and run at the first sign of challenge? are compromise and collaboration things that will always elude me?
these questions among others have not been answered completely. but the portions that have been revealed leave me in a not-so-good-looking light. it’s hard to take.

but it’s necessary. i need to look. even when i don’t care for what i see. and i need to learn to do something else besides running over my soul with a grinder. criticizing is so much a habit that i hardly feel it when it’s happening. i go numb automatically. and then i have to thaw.

so if there is something i conjure for myself these coming days, it would be courage to look inside more. to look harder, to look mare deeply, and to look with more empathy.

and while i engage in this, i wish for you to find the very best in you. or at least to start that process. or continue it.