I acted and behold, service was joy.…..Rabindranath Tagore
today i humbly present tracey thorn’s new vid and song. i
i do believe that this holiday season will be the best i have had in several years. although i am busy, i have tapped into peace of mind that i have not been able to access in the previous sober years. whatever this is or whatever this means, i am thrilled that there seems to be no major crisis going on in my life. i am not in conflict with anyone of real significance. my relationships with friends and with co-workers are smooth and without much strife. my family and i are simpatico and i am feelin’ good.
learning to let go of my expectations is an avocation. i struggle with it incessantly. strangely too, because there is definitely a freedom in the releasing of such. no matter though, i still feel most comfortable when i can worry about things and feel twisted because something is gonna fuck up. peace is the journey today. i have had to let go of so many things in order to find where i am.
Refuge Prayer O Amida, I take refuge in you,Ocean of Oneness, Eternal Life and Light;
Entrusting with my whole heart and mindIn your Primal Vow;I am empowered by you to live a full, Compassionate and creative life,I dedicate myself to the service of all beings,Striving to help others realize,Their human potential and Enlightenment;May your Teachings guide meThroughout the day, in my relationships, work and play. Namo Amida Buddha
Delight, enjoy. God is not a thing, it is an attitude, an attitude of celebration and festivity. Drop sadness. He is so close by; dance! Drop long faces, it is sacrilege — because He is so close by. Forget your childish miseries and worries; He is so close by. Don’t go on brooding about immaterial things; He is so close by. Allow Him to hold your hand. He has been waiting for you for long….. Osho
i am feeling a sense of celebration today. i am peaceful, i have worked hard all week and through this weekend and have very little ahead of me today. supposed to go to the botanic gardens by chatfield preserve to visit the maize maze with a friend. have some work around the house to do, but really it’s a free day. friends, rest, laughter, sunshine, some good food, and a little music…….
it doesn’t need to get much better…… hey hey..
the weekend has arrived, but i am pretty certain i am working through it. i picked up a level 1 dui class which is 12 hours fri nite and sat morning. then i am working a party on saturday evening in cherry hills. that leaves sunday as my day of rest, but i will have laundry, kitchen, and the rest to contend with.
i sound so whiney, which is a shame, because the truth is that i thrive when busy. i am left without the negative thoughts that run through my head when i have downtime. the more clean time i get, the more i realize that i must have been very tortured early on and that might one reason why i self medicated so heavily and so often. it has hurt in many ways to be sober. it has hurt to be me.
i phased out of my former position this week. it was a quiet and clumsy transition. i haven’t wanted to be gone from somewhere with so much conviction in awhile. but as i turned in my laptop, my key, and my vocera, i was again steeped in a stir of echoes. the anger i feel inside from some long forgotten ghost compiled with the fear i experienced at being ridiculed in public. both these emotions were real, but not at all derived from today’s experience. they were ancient manuscripts that resurrect themselves with repetition and wreak calamity upon my calm.
i phoned a friend whose voice reminded me that i am no longer that age and that it is no longer necessary to marinate in all that angst. i still can’t quite get there on my own. but get there i did with her help. and then i got a random phone message from a friend telling me he thought i was “the best”. that voice was like salve on scalded skin. man, did that turn the heat down.
it’s been a day. i have made it through. i hope for another.and then one more.
still love this song…