defense … not offense

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Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past. ~ Lily Tomlin

off balance
surprise attacks
mental health

” rod- although this isn’t usually the case, you actually look nice today. those pants really fit and make you look slim” he has been sidelining me every time he sees me in the last few weeks. in front of others, within ear shot, making sure he is loud. i listen without flinching or reacting, but it sickens me.  it reminds me of picking up dog doodoo in the park- it stinks but it is the right thing to do. i believe he is angry for several reasons. all of them have to do with him. i am resisting the urge to retaliate. i am pondering the concept of turning the tables. somewhere inside i believe that these are not appropriate responses. i am not sure if have grown to that level spiritually. i long for the fortitude it takes to turn the other cheek. i wish desperately to be strong enough to do nothing. this is just another test of my resolve to understand that the right action may be no action.
 i am flawed- but cleaning up so well. 


When we undertake the practice of forgiveness we find a portal to grace. A window to acceptance. We find at the core of every heartbreak, every betrayal, every event that we feel victimized by, every person we feel has harmed us, and every person we feel we may have harmed, that what we truly have been seeking is forgiveness of ourselves.

In times of sadness, deep grace, anger, happiness, gratitude and confusion it is helpful to incorporate forgiveness into our daily lives. This is the oil that runs the machine of our hearts. When the doors of the heart rage and threaten to close it is us who suffer and not who we feel is the justful target of whatever has happened. Forgiveness stokes the flames of beauty that live within our hearts. Saying this Forgiveness prayer in all situations can have beneficial healing effects. As Jack Kornfield says: “Forgiveness makes our hearts grow sweeter.”

A Buddhist Prayer of Forgiveness

If I have harmed anyone in any way either knowingly or unknowingly

through my own confusions I ask their forgiveness.

If anyone has harmed me in any way either knowingly or unknowingly
through their own confusions I forgive them.
And if there is a situation I am not yet ready to forgive
I forgive myself for that.
For all the ways that I harm myself, negate, doubt, belittle myself,
judge or be unkind to myself through my own confusions
I forgive myself….. reposted from The Alchemy of Healing

disturbing behavior

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i got a call yesterday from a guy whom i used to work with. i had helped get a program called “mile high meth project” going- had done a lot of research, checked out programs in other cities, campaigned for funding with the ryan white fund aficionados and had delivered an evidence based curriculum for gay men and a funded 3 year grant. it had been work, but mostly fun because that’s how i roll. anyway this guy came into the picture after being released from employment at a boulder case management agency and came on board with our programs. he he infused himself with stealth into our team and began to smoothly accept credit for work he hadn’t done. it irritated me a bit and i still haven’t  forgotten- but that’s later on. soon after he arrived,  i was released from service from that agency after some protracted intrigue and planned deception. you can read about a bit here at my former blog..

so when he called today, i felt a rush go through my system. it was one of those moments i had quietly been coveting for a few years- a possible opportunity to right some old wrongs and get some vengeance. i returned the call and spoke with the now mad hatter. he has recently been released from service from this same agency and has concocted a scheme to bring a suit against the organization, perhaps to right his own wrong- or perhaps to fix a plate of steaming hot revenge. he relayed his 4 pointed plan and i realized that here within my reach was something i had fantasized about these years and it was completely vulgar and distasteful. i quickly wondered how i got to this point, but immediately knew that i had created this window. now all i have to do is find a way to board it up.

thank god for my inability to take action sometimes. it saves me from myself… i don’t always really want what i dream about. not at all. not even a little. .

lisbeth salander

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photo reposted from
Salander is a cartoonish super-hero, and if something bad happens to her — she is sexually violated — she more than gets back at the perpetrator. Her complete distrust of the authorities is also an interesting character-trait: this is a book where the police are largely kept out of it, even at points where they should obviously be called in. But Larsson does not seem to have much patience for bureaucratic approaches to law and order (or almost anything to do with government).

my heroine du jour has got to be lisbeth from “the girl with the dragon tattoo. she was the force behind the film and brought into the 21st century the spirit of “i spit on your grave” with her revenge segment of the film. she took a more than her share of pain and bullshit and channeled her anger into some revenge that was forceful, fearless, and unforgettable.

certainly there are parts of me that long for forgiveness and loving kindness applied to every aspect of my life. in my head, i understand that this kind of thinking is the destination i need to reach. however, i am still working towards it and i find myself relating to and almost reveling in the idea of an eye for an eye- of which the film has its share. of course i realize that this sort of revenge is out of my grasp, nor would i have the where-with-all to conjur it to life. but i must admit a very very guilty pleasure in watching and imagining. the very essence of film.

i am fairly well versed at this ripe age in reading subtitles and watching a film and this one offered no surprises in that regard.i somehow respect anything that requires my attention.  it is filmed in non-hd, in native swedish language, and without many special effects at all. yet i find it one of the more engaging films i have seen this year.

so read the books, damn it!