self-soothing

Man In The Mirror

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Each day, we’re given many opportunities to open up or shut down. The most precious opportunity presents itself when we come to the place where we think we can’t handle whatever is happening. It’s too much. It’s gone too far. We feel bad about ourselves. There’s no way we can manipulate the situation to make ourselves come out looking good. No matter how hard we try, it just won’t work. Basically, life has just nailed us.

It’s as if you just looked at yourself in the mirror, and you saw a gorilla. The mirror’s there; it’s showing “you”, and what you see looks bad. You try to angle the mirror so you will look a little better, but no matter what you do, you still look like a gorilla. That’s being nailed by life, the place where you have no choice except to embrace what’s happening or push it away.

Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape — all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can’t stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain. In fact, the rampant materialism that we see in the world stems from this moment. There are so many ways that have been dreamt up to entertain us away from the moment, soften its hard edge, deaden it, so we don’t have to feel the full impact of the pain that arises when we cannot manipulate the situation to make us come out looking fine…. Pema Chodron

this could be seen as a lazy post. and maybe it is. none-the-less the irony of the lyrics of this song and cory’s struggle are hard to let lay. my understanding is that he just got out of rehab in early june. he was working to some degree at taking a look at the man in the mirror. and that is not an easy task. i understand very closely how unaware he probably was of his mortality. no doubt he was too occupied running from his reflection. but i feel very blessed to have encountered some of his strengths. his voice had an effect on my sanity.

thank you.young cory… for living your own life- you made an impact and changed lives. maybe next time the road be more gentle on your soul,

mirror of cruelty

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“My upbringing made me as I am now. But I can become merry and happy at once. There were many years I was feeling at a loss about my life or how I grew up. I couldn’t understand what is right or what is precious. At that time, I was so miserable and self-defeating. I was feeling angry with various things. My anger came up to the surface then. I don’t say such tendency has disappeared. Even now there are anger and the dark side in myself. But it’s the first time I’ve been so close to the light.”… Johnny Depp

i hit a small professional milestone recently and today it culminated in a review, a diagnostic, and a repositioning. somehow recently amidst a lost of shifting around me, i got the impression that i would be shifting, too. alas, i have been sprinkled with disappointment. actually, today i even feel a bit drenched.

part of me knows that my wilted hopes are all my own design. bittersweet headline at best. knowing that i arranged my own pain has really not made the sting less sharp. my ego is all wrapped up in this mess. i love so much about where i am, but there is some not-so-love in here too. i find the reflections of myself startling me out of delusion more frequently than i prefer.sometimes, much like when i catch a reflection of myself in a window as i am walking, or as i slip by the bathroom mirror in the morning, and what looks back at me seems a bloated,  distorted. and deformed me, the realization that my hurting today is  an offshoot of an overestimated expectation planted by yours truly stinks.

photo credit Itzhak Ben-Arieh

i wanna scream out loud-“when is the world gonna give me more than i have?”..”why am i not appreciated?”
without doubt, this is ego insanity. i am only suffering in my mind. i imagine i need certain “things” in order to feel loved. i need prestige to determine my worth. and i want things to assure me i am lovable. all this crap is just like an addiction. always needing more to try to be happy.

yuk.. i don’t find fun in looking at the not-so-pretty sides of myself. i so would prefer to think myself as close to perfect as possible. sadly though, perfect is not even part of the truth. i am average. greedy, egotistical,  power-hungry, and no-better-than average.

love, love, love pixie lott

self-soothing… songs from the mothership

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Soothe: –verb
1. to tranquilize or calm, as a person or the feelings; relieve, comfort, or refresh
2. to mitigate, assuage, or allay, as pain, sorrow, or doubt
3.to exert a soothing influence; bring tranquility, calm, ease, or comfort.
Read more: http://weighingthefacts.blogspot.com/2010/08/eating-disorder-recovery-self-soothing.html#ixzz16xi3JSID

i find myself midweek already a bit pooped from the many ups and not-so-ups. sometimes working with people who are not well can hurt. yesterday was one of those days for me. luckily my hurt heals. here’s one (or two) things that helped.