bits and pieces

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I wouldn`t have dared ask God for all that He`s given me. I couldn`t have done it on my own. I thank God every day for what I have….Loretta Lynn

i have been trying to downshift with more free time. i have enjoyed being at my house more. i have enjoyed cooking for myself. i have had fun nesting. i have been able to catch up with a couple of good friends, and i have made a couple of new friends as well. none of this has been perfect, but it’s all been delicious and flavorful and fresh. 
i don’t really know if i can stop right now to take a breath. i am clear that i have much to do this season. i am inspired by the arc my career has embarked upon. i also am very clear that i am in love with my life right now and truly feel safe. this last revelation is not at all common in my psychological make-up and very much noteworthy.
time for a tirade.
an colleague of mine took his life last week. it was quite sad. he had been working in the hiv field for over 10 years and had become an effective and powerful advocate for plwh. he had taken a job with the agency i once worked for and was faring better with the director than i had been able to muster. but sadly, i got an email from that director stating some beautiful facts about this colleague. if only he’d stopped there,  but no- he pissed all over the communication by stating that he had set up a fund for the agency programs in memory of our man. yuk! i am almost embarrassed to admit that i am completely mortified for the rest of the employees there that their leader is so self-involved as to demonstrate such self-interest over selflessness. our poor gone man’s partner is struggling to pay his bills and this exec dick is too bottom-line focused  to offer funds to him. 
tirade’s over
its raining in denver this week. we had a drought over the winter and the gardens are starved for the moisture. i think i can see the korean lilacs and the russian sage getting bigger and sprouting buds as i watch i planted a small ginkgo tree a couple of weeks ago and i hope it finally coming out of shock. the maples we planted last year are finally sprouting some tiny green leaves and i succinctly heard sighs of relief sprout from me. . i can easily say that the popping of arbitrary colors that happens in these months continues to be an inspiration for new ideas and new possibilities. 
i have continued to book small party gigs to supplement my income. it also supplements my world view. i get so very wrapped up in my “recovery land” with my plans, and my interventions, and the changes i hope to telescope in that i forget that life goes well beyond what i see. the catering gigs bring home the fact that the world revolves without me or my “recovery land” vantage point. this is a wonderful thing. 
i have been a “smash” fanatic since the show began. jeremy jordan has a voice that scratches my soul for some reason. i love the broadway backdrop, the ongoing aspect of putting on a show, and the crazy-daisy story lines. but this last show (which i had overlooked completely on saturday night) had me in tears and caught me completely by surprise. i love love love this performance.

hang the moon

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image credit… ddmag.tumblr

If our lives were a movie
Then you’d be the star
‘Cause know I know the role I should play
To applaud all you do
All the things that you are
And just be there on opening day
I know in the past
That the lines were all wrong
And the music was never in tune
But the wish that I make
Is for just one more take
Because then, darling, I’ll hang the moon

i just got off the phone with one of my oldest friends-blue- who lives in chicago. earlier this year, i had plans to be there this weekend- seeing the book of mormon tomorrow evening and big fish on saturday night. having dinner all over town, pitching a book idea to a friend who has published a beautiful book about her grandfather and  fire island in the 20’s, and just generally feeding my soul in both old and new ways. we talked today, because he had arranged a psychic reading for me on saturday with sharyl noday which i will still receive via skype.

we chatted for a while using the online tool and i really have to say how much more i enjoyed the conversation while looking at his face. there are so many many memories for me in that face. i realized as we spoke that i love him as madly as i did when we first met that early morning in chicago in 1979 at that afterhours club named “columns”. if i remember things correctly, we strolled from lower downtown along the lake to boys town as the moon descended sharing stories about life and our perceptions of fashion, music, fate and hope. we became fast friends and later roommates, work mates, frenemies (during my oh-so-desperate drug daze). but we have remained connected these 32 years.

these days seem some of the closer since he lost his mother last year. he is struggling with physical changes that accompany the aging human experience and the combination seems to have opened his emotional world and be offering it to the sun. he mentioned that he spoke to another friend of ours, now living in phoenix, who asked him to tell me how touched he is by the arc my life  taken. blue continued to say that bill must have done some online research because he seemed to be much more intimate with some details and he cried as he spoke with blue. blue cried as he relayed this information to me, including details like blue had always felt that i was special, but i was never able to see that- how it was painful for him to watch me struggle through all the challenging lessons i have had in my life. i cried as i heard all this and was swept up in the idea that someone has been able to care about me all this time while i was unable to do so.

i sign off today in humility. i am gobsmacked by the fact that i am cared for by someone who knows me so well (definitely an old tape playing).  i quietly received a most unexpected and completely personal gift that came wrapped in a plain wrapper, but has stirred the deepest part of my soul. i must remember to give these kind of gifts as it is something so life affirming to receive.

smashing new obsession

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image credit.. e online

i have become enamored with a monday night television show about the creation of a broadway musical about marilyn monroe. the name of this show is “smash”. here are 7 reasons i have become a glutton.

1) i am reminded weekly how very resilient and very vulnerable we all are
2) i get to remember that life and relationships are messy sometimes
3) i love broadway and musical theatre after all i am gay
4) debra messing works this role. she’s mesmerizing
5) the running marilyn theme charms the pants off me
6) angelica houston sipping martinis in an east village gay bar seems both highbrow and lowbrow at the same time. total camp… LOVE
7) katherine mcphee’s performances consistently create a good feeling in me. She’s damn good.

thank you my beautiful universe, for this unexpected joy. it certainly is a smash for me!!