lose yourself to dance

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First, rely on the spirit and meaning of the teachings not on the words. Second, rely on the teachings not on the personality of the teacher. Third, rely on real wisdom. Not superficial interpretation. And fourth, rely on the essence on your pure wisdom mind. Not on judgemental perceptions.
the end of summer brings with it again a shift in my computability and perception. my perception of my time and work feels as if it has shifted somehow from a gift i have been given into something much different and slightly dark. i remember quite vividly when the illumination of all this changed, but i don’t have much more insight than this. and the saying goes- “if you don’t know what to do, the best thing to do is nothing”. this describes my current environment. full of impulse and intuition tempered by caution and resistance.

the really numbing aspect to this is its familiarity. i am hardly an ingenue and yet i seem to do-si-do myself into the same position emotionally over and over like a choreographed bit on a network tv show blah-blah. it’s a little bit flashy and interesting to watch for a minute, but the experience becomes empty and flat after a short time. 

this routine is familiar to me now, like stubble on my chin and i keep shaving it off hoping to be rid of it for good. yet it keeps coming back without fail. it is often said that life spirals, and i will continue to find myself in this same position until i have learned what i need to learn. of course this is where maturity becomes annoying- when i can no longer blame anyone else for my own behavior. it gets complicated by the repeating questions in my head like “what if i never get insight into what is going on?”,  “what if nothing ever changes?”, what if this is my karma somehow?”

more importantly though, might be my knowledge (not yet synthesized as true ability) to zoom out of this repetitive situation to understand that it may just be my dance. my work may not to be to remove it, but to embrace it somehow. not be done with it, but learn to work with it and even have it work for me. 
“Everyone defends his treasure, and will do so automatically.The real questions are, what do you treasure, and how much do you treasure it? Once you have learned to consider these questions and to bring them into all your actions, you will have little difficulty in clarifying the means. The means are available whenever you ask. You can, however, save time if you do not protract this step unduly. The correct focus will shorten it immeasurably.” 
Helen Shucman A Course In Miracles

no fascist groove thang

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History will repeat itself

Crisis point we’re near the hour

Counterforce will do no good

Hot you ass I feel your power

Hitler proves that funky stuff

Is not for you and me girl

Europe’s an unhappy land

They’ve had their fascist groove than

Brothers, sisters, we don’t need this fascist groove thang.

i have spent the week struggling to keep my eyes open  i have been lethargic and lacking inspiration. i had an encounter last weekend with  a person that acted as an omen in my life. it tasted bitter and sour and i realized that it was time for a new chapter in my life.  i have heard that we live our life in a spiral and with each rotation we have the opportunity to have more truth revealed- if we are paying attention. i somehow  have the feeling that part of my life has just completed a rotation of sorts. 
i have been on this verge before. my emotions are familiar and ancient right now. i know that i have come to a fork and i am choosing a path. i am letting go of an effort i have been making. it has not been unsuccessful, however i don’t feel that my efforts have been matched. specifically why that hasn’t bothered me until now i am not sure. but that is how the truth seems today. 
i could be tired. i could be emotional. i could be over-reacting, i could be in the wrong. i could be all these things. i can live with being any or all these things.  i have come to understand that i have no obligation to be other than human. 
have my actions been honorable? i think so. have i put in a good effort? time can measure that better than i. have i been honest? in everything but the exit line- completely. am i ready for this? another measure best taken with time. 
underneath it all, a decision has been made- i felt i should wait to decide and so i naturally decided right away. i pressed 10 buttons and unlocked pandora’s box.  and i am tired- tired of tap dancing- tired of balancing, tired of waiting for something to happen. and this last bit is directly connected to a spiral in my life. tonight is not the first time i have made a move- a decision- a change- because i am tired of waiting.  
this takes me back to david  richo’s “how to be an adult in relationships” -especially the short bit called “what hurts us comforts us”. if we grow up around drama- we may create drama in order to recreate that old feeling- even when it doesn’t make sense to do so. i can’t honestly say whether this  is the right decision. i can say that i am prepared to live with this- so that has become plenty for me.
“Our higher needs include making full use of our gifts, finding and fulfilling our calling, being loved and cherished just for ourselves, and being in relationships that honor all of these. Such needs are fulfilled in an atmosphere of the five A’s by which love is shown: attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing.”