bits and pieces

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I wouldn`t have dared ask God for all that He`s given me. I couldn`t have done it on my own. I thank God every day for what I have….Loretta Lynn

i have been trying to downshift with more free time. i have enjoyed being at my house more. i have enjoyed cooking for myself. i have had fun nesting. i have been able to catch up with a couple of good friends, and i have made a couple of new friends as well. none of this has been perfect, but it’s all been delicious and flavorful and fresh. 
i don’t really know if i can stop right now to take a breath. i am clear that i have much to do this season. i am inspired by the arc my career has embarked upon. i also am very clear that i am in love with my life right now and truly feel safe. this last revelation is not at all common in my psychological make-up and very much noteworthy.
time for a tirade.
an colleague of mine took his life last week. it was quite sad. he had been working in the hiv field for over 10 years and had become an effective and powerful advocate for plwh. he had taken a job with the agency i once worked for and was faring better with the director than i had been able to muster. but sadly, i got an email from that director stating some beautiful facts about this colleague. if only he’d stopped there,  but no- he pissed all over the communication by stating that he had set up a fund for the agency programs in memory of our man. yuk! i am almost embarrassed to admit that i am completely mortified for the rest of the employees there that their leader is so self-involved as to demonstrate such self-interest over selflessness. our poor gone man’s partner is struggling to pay his bills and this exec dick is too bottom-line focused  to offer funds to him. 
tirade’s over
its raining in denver this week. we had a drought over the winter and the gardens are starved for the moisture. i think i can see the korean lilacs and the russian sage getting bigger and sprouting buds as i watch i planted a small ginkgo tree a couple of weeks ago and i hope it finally coming out of shock. the maples we planted last year are finally sprouting some tiny green leaves and i succinctly heard sighs of relief sprout from me. . i can easily say that the popping of arbitrary colors that happens in these months continues to be an inspiration for new ideas and new possibilities. 
i have continued to book small party gigs to supplement my income. it also supplements my world view. i get so very wrapped up in my “recovery land” with my plans, and my interventions, and the changes i hope to telescope in that i forget that life goes well beyond what i see. the catering gigs bring home the fact that the world revolves without me or my “recovery land” vantage point. this is a wonderful thing. 
i have been a “smash” fanatic since the show began. jeremy jordan has a voice that scratches my soul for some reason. i love the broadway backdrop, the ongoing aspect of putting on a show, and the crazy-daisy story lines. but this last show (which i had overlooked completely on saturday night) had me in tears and caught me completely by surprise. i love love love this performance.

cuppa joe and a chocolate croissant

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it’s a bright sunday morning in april and as i make my way back from st. mark’s, i am aware that some of the funk that had settled around me has begun to shake loose. the sun is showing her face earlier and she lingers lovingly and languishes longer at the end of the day. the plantings we did last summer have had me worried as they all looked brown and lifeless, but this last week little buds have been appearing on the korean lilacs, the carol mackie dahnes, and both types of hydrangeas, but the rose of sharons still have me a bit concerned. there are 6 of them in and if they don’t come back, i really will need to replace them. we planted 4 new trees yesterday in the right of way, but those will take 3 or 4 years before we really see any impact.

my mood has started to bud just as my landscape has. i am feeling less closed off, experienced a little photosynthesis yesterday and was able to laugh and feel light again. sometimes working with others definitely requires some refueling. this is just what winter offers. a chance to rest and ready for replenishing.

i have been receiving some forwarded posts from a family member for awhile which always seem very post-right wing and lean toward obama-lambasting. i rarely read them as i don’t hold those political leanings. and i don’t respond because i don’t care to engage in dialogue that has no real purpose other than disagreement. i certainly haven’t felt it necessary to change her way of thinking and i know she is not likely to nudge mine.

but my cousin’s partner sent her a response to the last missive that was sent about why not to trust the man who is president. somehow, her response struck a chord with me. it was not a threatening rebuttal- far from it actually  she talked about looking at more sides of any issue and then included an article about walter breuning, the oldest man in america, who recently passed.  here is a link to the article:

Here’s the world’s oldest man’s secret to a long life:

  •  Embrace change, even when the change slaps you in the face. (“Every change is good.”)

• Eat two meals a day (“That’s all you need.”)

• Work as long as you can (“That money’s going to come in handy.”)

• Help others (“The more you do for others, the better shape you’re in.”)

  • Then there’s the hardest part. It’s a lesson Breuning said he learned from his grandfather: Accept death.“We’re going to die. Some people are scared of dying. Never be afraid to die. Because you’re born to die,” he said.

 i really like mr. breuning’s common sense approach. it leaves me something tangible and attainable to reach toward in my life’s journey. and the response that carried this message gave me a reminder about making room for good things to happen in my life. ‘cuz i never know when another bud is about to appear. all this with a cuppa joe and a chocolate croissant this beautiful sunday morning.

and yesterday at hivster from seattle, there was a post about durutti column with a link to “missing boy”. i hadn’t heard that cut for about 15 years or so and it reminded me how amazing vini reilly was (and remains).

walkin with grace

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katrine neoromantika photography

spring is popping its head out all around me. the magnolia trees, the crab apples, as well as the others are budding in pink, lavender, and white glory all over town. hyacinths, daffodils, tulips are showing their parade uniforms now, and the lilacs and hydrangeas are budding with effervescence.  this weekend we are planting 4 new trees in our right of way-2 english oaks and 2 small maples.

it seems that inside there may be the sighs of a new life budding. things have been a bit bleak for a bit and there has been a dormant sense of exuberance and gratitude. these things have seemed just a memory recently and i have been trudging forward with only remnants of anticipation in my heart.

sometimes it seems i just gotta keep walking, cuz if i stop i may never be able to start again. gotta pretend there’s hope when she has obviously left the building. gotta trust hope will return. strangely- and with grace- hope has always found her way back.

that is what spring can mean.  keep on walking and hoping and waiting. waiting for the right time ripe with possibility. and that is definitely worth wearing out a few good pairs of jimmy choos.

Break open a cherry tree and there are no flowers, but the spring breeze brings forth myriad blossoms. Ikkyu Sojun