inspiration comes from many places, often times very unexpectedly. i came across a dj from chile called nico and found his brand of beats almost invitational. just what the invitation is for, i have not quite determined. but that is some of the work in life- moving forward without knowing.
i am in the midst of transitions in so many parts of my life. i am shifting to a new team at my workplace which will certainly herald some evident change. i have helped friends implement a new meth treatment program at their small agency in englewood (denver suburb well known for aod problems). it is an eop (extended outpatient program) which is 3 days/ 8 hours of contact per week. we also helped start a 12 step program at that location on the 3rd night of the itinerary. i have started back at my favorite gym, although i have injured my knee during cardio and am taking a break right now. and i have let go of a volunteer position which i had been initially very enthused about. this took a lot more time and energy than first anticipated and i walked away feeling frustrated, wrung out, and sadly with tethered relationships. finally, i have lost my sponsor and i have been remiss (avoiding) moving forward quickly on this- just not my way.
what i have noticed taking place along with these shifts is an interesting and almost foreign development. i have felt a sense of calm and peace gently waft around me. i have wanted to take part in social activity, have dinner with friends, be close to others, mellow out at home listening to tunes. these are not my habits for the last several year. i have been on the go and driven to stay focused and inspired. it could be compared to changing gears on a manual transmission, i have changed gears.
i have re-engaged a relationship with my cousin recently as well. over the last 3 years we have spoken maybe once or twice a year. there was a drift and i had felt betrayal. i am sure that some of the effect was prior emotional baggage as has been a common experience for me in recovery. it feels good to reconnect.
i am working at the local professional gay men’s professional organization halloween party tonight. i
am looking forward to a few laughs. i have done this a couple of times over the years. laughter and tears are both good lubrication for transitions.
here i am on wednesday evening after finalizing the agreement to list my townhouse for sale. it has become embarrassingly evident that the loss of 28 percent of my annual income has taken a toll. i am a mixed bag of emotion- shame, sadness, worry to name a few, and have been scattered and detached for awhile. once i came to the decision that i did, i have felt myself pulling back into the present.
i have changed my job duties, my job title, and the department i work for and now am beginning a transition for my residence and my financial life. i have been in the middle of a storm of sorts in my life and by the grace of a power greater than myself, i have managed to maintain a spiritual life. sometimes the ordinary can appear so very extraordinary.
it is sad to think of leaving my comfort zone. i have been here for 4 years and have grown up quite a bit emotionally here. i first truly came to feel and recognize how stunted my emotional life had been before sobriety. i never understood how toxic shame really is until i found an ancient seed germinating after reliving a drama. it has taken almost 4 years for me to learn how to begin to soothe myself when someone i trust does not continue to be trustworthy. and it does continue to happen. and i am sure i trust much less easily.
with all this in mind, perhaps this residence shift is a metaphor telling me it is time to move on. moving on is not the easiest task for people with trauma. my experience is that i am much more comfortable when terrorized than i am when things are unknown. and today, i feel confident that moving on will reap some rewards and offer me new insight and a new focus for my future.
my friend jim chandler passed away this week. he had been staying at a hotel in ohio (on kaiser’s dime) waiting for a liver transplant. something went awry and he was in icu for 21 days and the whispered away. jim was a minister at the denver church of religious science. he contributed fairly regularly to the newsletter we publish. jim was always wearing a positive message with spiritual undertones.
i remember when my friends and i wanted to start a gay men’s 12 step meeting that focused on meth, he offered space at the church. there were already other meetings there, however my understanding is that many board members did not want tweakers roaming free in the building in the evening. jim advocated for the meeting, citing the outrageously high number of gay men who had meth issues, as well as the hiv transmission rates that involved meth. he never boasted about this, he just did it quietly- and potently.
i watched part of the 2011 vma award show and particularly liked russel brand’s tribute to amy winehouse. he pointed out succinctly and lovingly that although amy lived with a very evident drug and alcohol issue, that there indeed is a solution for this. and he wanted to remind all the patrons of the show that a solutions did exist.
i have remarkably come to believe that living with an active faith is far more prudent than not. i love my atheist friends, but i am more enamored with the safety net that faith provides. i never wanted to have to rely on anything like faith when i was young. it seemed so weak. but as the gray antiques my temples, i realize that i struggled with relying on anything because i didn’t grow up with a lot of that around. i believed then that a rolling stone was less prone to heartbreak and i lived much of my life that way.
and here i am on the move again.