work
better days
- Involvement in illegal acts and involvement with the criminal justice system (e.g., arrests, incarceration, DWIs) decreases by about ten-fold
- Steady employment in addiction recovery increases by over 50% greater relative to active addiction
- Frequent use of costly Emergency Room departments decreases ten-fold
- Paying bills on time and paying back personal debt doubles
- Planning for the future (e.g., saving for retirement) increases nearly three-fold
- Involvement in domestic violence (as victim or perpetrator) decreases dramatically
- Participation in family activities increases by 50%
- Volunteering in the community increases nearly three-fold compared to in active addiction
- Voting increases significantly
- Reports of untreated emotional/mental health problems decrease over four-fold
- Twice as many participants further their education or training than in active addiction
- The percentage of people owing back taxes decreases as recovery gets longer while a greater number of people in longer recovery report paying taxes, having good credit, making financial plans for the future and paying back debts
- Civic involvement increases dramatically as recovery progresses in such areas as voting and volunteering in the community
- People increasingly engage in healthy behaviors such as taking care of their health, having a healthy diet, getting regular exercise and dental checkups, as recovery progresses
- As recovery duration increases, a greater number of people go back to school or get additional job training
- Rates of steady employment increase gradually as recovery duration increases
- More and more people start their own business as recovery duration increases
- Participation in family activities increases from 68% to 95%
when the levee breaks
sometimes i am in uber-love with facebook. it offers me hit after hit of glimpses of thoughts and ideas outside my everyday. my haphazardly honed adhd loves this effect. this morning it was a recording of led zeppelin’s recording of “when the levee breaks” from their 1971 album “IV” the sight of that audio post gave me permission to zoom out of my life for a minute and put on a different pair of glasses.
continually saying yes has a price. i know this. i have seen this. i have lived this. but my innate desire to excel overrides any logic i might posses. my way is to take it on, take another on, and then say “sure” again mostly because nothing else ever comes to mind. i learned early on in life how to become teacher’s pet. i purred in the luxury of excelling in the classroom and being perceived in a positive light, while the i spent the rest of my small town existence of a sissy boy queer orbiting in an atmosphere of whispers and shame. as fate (my teacher) would have it, this obsession with feeling accepted and an impulsive need for validation like a bird of prey flies close to the falconer.
if i try to recap the events of this past week, my first emotional response is shame. and i don’t have the clarity today to understand whether this shame is appropriate or if it is primal. (i hate this not knowing btw). i ran an emotional marathon this week-
consideration
in my activity filled weekend, i made plans to go with my mother to see “lincoln” at the theater we both like. it’s suburban with large seating, ample parking, and located just off the freeway so we can meet in the middle with ease. the film is big, full of wonder, and made me really think much more deeply about that specific time frame and the sheer mass and volume involved in passing both the emancipation proclamation and the 13th amendment. i am well aware of the vitriolic nature of our last election in this country. it has become almost accepted that each side of our current issues attack the other in a personal way- as if we don’t have the right to disagree on points.
remain in light
Week 4: Smart Things 10 12 and A vision for you
- When you are hurt or upset, what do you do to comfort yourself?
- How has your recovery helped you develop a personal compass in your life?
- The Ninth Step promises in Alcoholics Anonymous, page 84, indicate that “we will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us.” How has this manifested itself in your life?
- How do you respond to conflict or tension in your relationship?
- What perspective would you need to take in order to see the tension in your relationship as an opportunity for you to work on your emotional sobriety?
- What would it mean to you if you started to look at the real problem as how you cope with a situation rather than the problem being the problem?
- Emotional sobriety creates emotional resilience. This means that we can stay clean and sober regardless of a difficult situation or circumstance, regardless of health or illness, regardless of success or failure. Is your recovery this stable? Do you have this kind of faith in yourself? What idea would you need to give up to have this kind of faith in your recovery?
from “12 smart things to do when the booze and drugs are gone” by allen berger
with the continuing change going on in my daily work life, i find myself perpetually moving or shifting or adjusting or waiting for any or all of those. the clients i work with have expanded to well beyond hiv. i am working with opioid replacement clients, with hep-c positive patients, and with dually diagnosed patients- all of which i certainly worked before, however the challenges and the life experiences are more diverse.
adding to this, i have been asked to chair a board for a recovery advocacy organization. this is a request which i am not quite ready to provide an answer at this time. i am waiting to hear a response from the lender who holds the note on my townhouse, because that transition will affect my life the most primarily. and to add to the shake-ups, i have applied for an additional counseling position to replace the 12K that i dropped this last year- which set some of this current richter scale action in motion and i continue to wait to discover if this is a good fit.
i am in awe of the confidence i have rendered in all this chaos. and i feel comforted by the lack of panic. i don’t know what is next, but i am moving forward with faith and trust in my relationship with the world. wow- did i even write that? but it’s true. i feel connected and i welcome tomorrow.
i don’t always satisfy the expectations of those around me. i still often judge my actions very harshly at first. i stumble in new situations and misspeak and misstep as often as i get it right. but what really keeps me going is my fairly newly acquired sense that i am okay. nothing great certainly, but nothing broken. for all my life, i felt-no believed- that i was flawed- twisted and warped. this is a belief that has had a metamorphosis into something else and been carried away with the winds. this is definitely an easier way to live.
a ride…
It’s rather splendid to think of all those great men and women who appear to have presented symptoms that allow us to describe them as bipolar. Whether it’s Hemingway, Van Gogh… Robert Schumann has been mentioned… Virginia Woolf, Sylvia Plath… some of them with rather grim ends… Stephen Fry
today i found myself trudging as i always do, but with a strange and renewed skip in my step. i’m not sure how long it will last, or if it will wane as quickly as it appeared. either way, it feels pretty damn good. there is a fresh inovigorated zest with regard to some changes at one of my workplaces. i have been looking at assisting with editing, enhancing, and modifying services. this process of creation has become like a drug for me. it definitely stimulates my brain and stirs my soul.
if there were a thing i could categorize as “what i do”, i think that the process of creation and re-creation would be at the top of the list. i have been involved in this process in almost all of the jobs that created spiritual growth in my life- starting at the age of 25. so here i find myself once again, contemplating getting on the rollercoaster that is this my work and experiencing the ride.
more details will follow, certainly, but i wanted to affirm that a new phase in being ushered in. i know that when my brain is tickled, i am happier and more productive. it feels as if i am doing what i am supposed to be doing. and i am very happy and grateful that i may be going for a ride…
best of you
totally inspired by a song today. best of you by the foo fighters. absolute nirvanha for me. love love love this band. and dave grohl.
this song has carried me through some challenging times this last decade. both the full boar band rendition and this pared down version they did on the skin and bones tour/album.
are they getting the best of you.. double entendre most definitely. are they getting the best of you? am i giving the best of me? asking these questions can easily put me back on track when i feel stalled. (and that is often enough that i have some bailout plans.)
in this stage of the journey, the unfinished business of growing up continues to rear its head. the oh-so-many things i never wanted to deal with have not disappeared as i had hoped with all those years neglect. no, they have secretly laid in wait until an opportune moment and then appeared again as if a shadow next to me in the mirror when there seems to be no source.
a friend is in hospital in a coma and it is not looking good. he was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer 4 years ago, but with chemo and prayer had pulled through to step into the sunlight of spirit a while longer. subsequently, his wife had died, his father has passed, and he has remained strong, postively focused, and frankly, an inspiration.
working for the next four days, including xmas eve and xmas. made plans with the intention of not being available. may be poor judgement, may be flawed judgement, but here is where i am- at the confessional. truth though is that people depend on me and it’s a good thing. and i need to be there.. as in there..
can’t say that i give my best every moment of every day. definitely working on that one. times do come that i forget about “the best”. too busy stuck in the drama of the moment. the magic of music is the transcendence it can bring. just one listen to this and i can so easily be back on track, almost seamlessly…
I’ve got another confession to make
I’m your fool
Everyone’s got their chains to break
Holdin’ you
Were you born to resist or be abused
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you
Are you gone and onto someone new
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse…… Foo Fighters..
remix
i received word today that my department transfer would go through. i will be at a new desk in a new office on monday- at least for half the day. the other half will remain the same. now as change draws near, the butterflies begin. not because i don’t want to move on.. i have to for sanity’s sake. no causes me a little shakiness is the uncertainty ahead. i have interviewed with my supervisors, but i really don’t know what to truly expect day to day. i know i will be all right, but i want more than all right. i want happy. i want joy. i want symbiosis. time will tell. and don’t be fooled. i don’t think i’m living in a fantasy. i found out another patient has terminal liver cancer and probably won’t live thru the year.
