career

roads

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“You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”  ― Tom Hiddleston
“You never know what’s around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you’ve climbed a mountain.”
― Tom Hiddleston

just another day of trudging…. and a big glass of grateful…

“Roads”

Ohh, can’t anybody see
We’ve got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say

How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong

Storm.. in the morning light
I feel
No more can I say
Frozen to myself

I got nobody on my side
And surely that ain’t right
And surely that ain’t right

Ohh, can’t anybody see
We’ve got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say

How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong

How can it feel, this wrong
This moment
How can it feel, this wrong

Ohh, can’t anybody see
We’ve got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say

How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong

so many of us

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“I do not believe in a fate that falls on men however they act; but I do believe in a fate that falls on them unless they act.”
“I do not believe in a fate that falls on men however they act; but I do believe in a fate that falls on them unless they act.”

 

there is a hefty risk involved with letting go. it becomes necessary to weigh the risks of the price of letting go against the price of holding on.

 

hey now

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What is like a smelly fart, that, although invisible is obvious? One's own faults, that are precisely As obvious as the effort made to hide them." His Holiness the 7th Dalai Lama in 'Songs of spiritual change'
What is like a smelly fart,
that, although invisible is obvious?
One’s own faults, that are precisely
As obvious as the effort made to hide them.”
His Holiness the 7th Dalai Lama in ‘Songs of spiritual change’

there are times that a guy just needs to let go of his conscious self and act on instinct. i believe i am at one of those personal milestones. no guarantees. no safety net. just fear. and faith. no doubts. and no regrets.

hey now. hey now. it’s gotta be now. it’s gotta be soon. it better be now.

Hey now, letters burning by my bed for you
Hey now, I can feel my instincts here for you, hey now
By my bed for you, hey now, hey now

Uhu, you know it is frightening
Uhu, uhu, you know its like lightning
Hey now, now,

Hey now, letters burning by my bed for you
Hey now, leave it to the wayside like you do, for you
Imagination calling mirrors for you
Hey now, hey now

Read more: London Grammar – Hey Now Lyrics | MetroLyrics

what would you do

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What would you do if your son was at home Crying all alone On the bedroom floor, Cause he's hungry and the only way to feed him is to sleep with a man for a little bit of money? And his daddy's gone somewhere smokin' rock now, In and out of lock down, I ain't got a job now, So for you this is just a good time But for me this is what I call life Girl, you ain't the only one with a baby, That's no excuse to be living all crazy Then she looked me right square in the eye And said, "Everyday I wake up hopin' to die," She said, "Nigga, I know about pain 'cause me and my sister ran away, So my daddy couldn't rape us, Before I was a teenager I done been through more shit You can't even relate to!!! .... city high
What would you do if your son was at home
Crying all alone
On the bedroom floor,
Cause he’s hungry and the only way to feed him is to sleep with a man for a little bit of money?
And his daddy’s gone somewhere smokin’ rock now,
In and out of lock down,
I ain’t got a job now,
So for you this is just a good time
But for me this is what I call life
Girl, you ain’t the only one with a baby,
That’s no excuse to be living all crazy
Then she looked me right square in the eye
And said, “Everyday I wake up hopin’ to die,”
She said, “Nigga, I know about pain
’cause me and my sister ran away,
So my daddy couldn’t rape us,
Before I was a teenager
I done been through more shit
You can’t even relate to!!! …. city high

sometimes it seems i am outside the looking glass peering in, trying to see if i am at all connected to what i am able to see from the other side. i would not be surprised if this were a symptom of ptsd, but am really not sure.

i am sure that this doesn’t feel foreign in any way and i am not panicked by it. it’s not a comfort by any means, but it doesn’t telegraph a deterrent or danger really. just something to notice.

i have indulged myself over these last 5 weeks between jobs with a trip to connecticut, a trip to michigan, some new adornments, and many gifts for people i love. i have allowed myself the luxury of gluttony to exercise my frustration with my last place of employment. this really equates to emotional eating which is not at all healthy except with harm reduction in mind. i believe whole-heartedly in harm reduction but i see it as a means to an end not the end.

it’s been challenging to view the events of these 5 weeks with detachment. i am emotionally connected- completely. ahh- perfection why have you forsaken me? (ha)

“Learning to pause is the first step in the practice of Radical Acceptance. A pause is a suspension of activity, a time of temporary disengagement when we are no longer moving toward any goal. . . . The pause can occur in the midst of almost any activity and can last for an instant, for hours or for seasons of our life. . . . We may pause in the midst of meditation to let go of thoughts and reawaken our attention to the breath. We may pause by stepping out of daily life to go on a retreat or to spend time in nature or to take a sabbatical. . . . You might try it now: Stop reading and sit there, doing “no thing,” and simply notice what you are experiencing.”

Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha

break

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it seems the future is starting before i have prepared. in truth, this is precisely how it is supposed to be. i have made efforts, decisions, and moves to make change occur in my life, and before i can say windsurfing on lake michigan, changes are in motion.

i have come from a week away from the day to day stress i usually encounter. it was such a gift to have a break. i am so glad i took a break before i start my new endeavor with work. i am not at all sure what to expect, but i feel at peace enough to not sweat the not knowing too much. besides, i think it is what is natural when we enjoy doing nothing for awhile.

 

unwind, unbind, rewind, remind

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last friday i flew to chicago and promptly drove to union pier michigan with a couple of friends to spend time in a cottage here that they have adopted as their home away. i spent the 1st 36 hours unwinding, rewinding, unbinding, and unbending all the knots and twists and broken places that i have barely noticed have taken place since this part of my journey began nearly 10 years ago.

it seems so simple now with hindsight to see that most of what i have experienced may well have been about patching holes i had in my life rather than creating new space and adventures. it seems funny and almost bittersweet to think that i have been refinishing and re-upholstering these last 10 years to try to bring my being to reflect the empirical value of my experiences and my life to be emblematic of a metaphor with the value of all the experiences, tragedies, and triumphs that any life may hold.

these next years just may be about seeing what this old but polished up vessel may still have left in her with regard to sea-worthiness. i can’t guarantee she will sail around the world, but i am confident there will be new ports of call. this is cause for hope.

i plan on connecting with a former neighbor who has relocated to a town about 10 minutes from here. it seems strange that life can be so connected that my past can intersect with my present in such a randomly concise way. but that is life as i know it.

i typed out a post which seemed perfect earlier here. then with one random stroke trying to properly place my little pic of the beach stairs, i erased those 8 paragraphs. i don’t have it in me to recreate them. i know better than to be angry about it. i can only move forward in the here and now. letting go of what could have been and what i intended. what i am left with is what actually from 1 perspective. no doubt it is as good as it gets. loving this rewind.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11T8qRgum0g

new world

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“You are the community now. Be a lamp for yourselves. Be your own refuge. Seek for no other. All things must pass. Strive on diligently. Don’t give up.”  ― Gautama Buddha
“You are the community now. Be a lamp for yourselves. Be your own refuge. Seek for no other. All things must pass. Strive on diligently. Don’t give up.”
― Gautama Buddha

 

last week rang in a couple of big changes. i accepted a new position in community outreach for a local hepc education and advocacy organization. i also ended a recently rekindled work relationship which seemed instantly a bad idea. it is a new world i will be swimming in once august is in full swing.

i feel very blesed to be where i am at in my life. i made a change in my career without a full plan and then a plan emerged- actually a couple of plans. this seems more than a blessing to me. it seems supportive. and it all seems a delicious adventure.

i will be travelling to michigan to spend time with friends at the lake and take a proper vacation. i will cook, get some sun, catch up on reading, and giggle as often as i can.

a friend posted this mix and i am going to listen to it during my workout today.  he is in the process of major change in his life as well. somehow it feels like getting a hug from him- so ruben- have a hug from me!

dive right in… the water’s fine

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Mosh pits aAnnotatend bare chest Stage diving sky diver Spray the crowd with cold water Now it's mosh pits and wet tits I think I need a cold shower Cool waters African girl speaks in English accent Likes to fuck boys in bands Likes to watch Westerns And ride me without the hands Show me her passport She’s on her own tour But you're beautiful to me Wave em high girl to the sky But you’re beautiful to me Live in the clouds Wave em high girl, to the sky But you’re beautiful to me Life in the clouds Keep em high ya’ll Beautiful stars In the sky... Frank Ocean
Mosh pits Annotated bare chest
Stage diving sky diver
Spray the crowd with cold water
Now it’s mosh pits and wet tits
I think I need a cold shower
Cool waters
African girl speaks in English accent
Likes to fuck boys in bands
Likes to watch Westerns
And ride me without the hands
Show me her passport
She’s on her own tour
But you’re beautiful to me
Wave em high girl to the sky
But you’re beautiful to me
Live in the clouds
Wave em high girl, to the sky
But you’re beautiful to me
Life in the clouds
Keep em high ya’ll
Beautiful stars
In the sky… Frank Ocean

 

 

i am fairly certain that the unknowing i am experiencing is very much what my favorite buddhist authors describe. it is the space between leaving the ground after deciding to dive and before i hit the water. there is a tentative quality and a sense of fear and not knowing. it is completely disconnected and yet it is described as the true way to adventure.

i can’t go back-and really wouldn’t even if. where i was had been toxic for some time and i was too sheepish to admit. but i was slowly disengaging from my work and my days and watching in slow motion as a deadly collision came into view.

so i find myself here- on the verge of i know not what. i am trusting my life and second guessing that trust. and trusting again and re second guessing. it’s a bit kooky. but it’s my process.

i have made a choice and taken a direction. it is not the beginning, nor is it even close to the end of the journey. i can’t say just where i am going, nor can i precisely relay where i have just been. that will take some time.

but i have jumped. and i am flying. i notice fear. i feel uninformed. i feel restless. i do not know. but i am flying anyway.

and i am more than grateful for this experience. this is all borrowed time. i never planned it. yet it’s mine. for now.

i have dived right in. they say the water is fine. i guess i’ll let you know.

he came, he criticized, he left

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It is better to travel well than to arrive. Buddha
It is better to travel well than to arrive.
Buddha

“The experience of being a gay man in the twenty-first century is different from that of any other minority, sexual orientation, gender, or culture grouping. We are different from, on the one hand, women, and on the other hand, straight men. Our lives are a unique blending of testosterone and gentleness, hypersexuality and delicate sensuality, rugged masculinity and refined gentility. There is no other group quite like that of the gay men. We are a culture of our own…. Alan Downs The Velvet Rage

i have been romanticizing the image of mary poppins leaving after her zany and heartwarming interlude at the banks’ home since my eyes opened a bit more last november.  poppins came, she worked her magic and taught some lessons, and when she felt the family members’ had expanded their own views of their lives and their connected life together, she opened her bumbershoot and let the wind lift her to her next adventure.

this speaks to the work i do and how i feel about it. i naively believe that having an impact on the system i work within will somehow impact the system for good. sadly it is not always the case. permanent change is an oxymoron in itself. change happens, but just as true is that change then happens again.

i admit, rather sheepishly, that when the systems i work within begin to revert back or move beyond the changes i have participated in, i flee. it becomes time to go. i can’t say whether this is a weakness or a strength or whether any of the changes i have helped orchestrate create a better world. i can say i leave a real part of myself on the table and i exit as a better person- stronger, with more insight, and i find a place to have a more open heart- although sometimes that takes work.

my life change this week. a new season begins and i will let the wind carry me.

was that all it was…… woooooooho…….oohooo

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There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth...not going all the way, and not starting. - Buddha
There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth…not going all the way, and not starting. – Buddha

it is strange how my own nature can be so damn bewitching. i am in the process of a pretty major transition and although it has been simmering for several months, it actually moved onto the front burner rather recently.

i have had the good fortune to work with people who can use help. and they allow me to try to help them. this is the part of my daily life that i love the most. i don’t fix anybody ever. i just try to help them see themselves as ok. heaven knows that it took me nearly 50 years to get there- so i have lots of travel information about that journey.

so i am leaving my current format for offering assistance and looking for another. i wonder if i will ever tire of trying too hard or taking it too personally. i don’t know about that. i doubt it really. my emotional vibrations often influence my decisions. i don’t think i like this. i am pretty sure i’m not proud of this.

(yeah-ah was that all it was)
(wooooooho)
(oohooo)
Was that all it was
A way to pass some time
momentary thing
not worth the memory
in the morning
must it be could be cold
something bought and sold
was it just a game
would you recall my name
if you saw me
I wanna be your one love
if we ever meet again (meet again)
now that I’ve been your love
Is this how it’s gonna end?
Will we ever be just friends?
Run to me every now and then
whow-whow-whow-whow-oh
was that all it was
night out on the town
an excersise of will
or what you needed filled
did you use me
I wanna be your one love
if we ever meet again (meet again)
now that I’ve been your love
Is this how it’s gonna end?
Will we ever be just friends?
Run to me every now and then
whow-whow-whow-whow-oh
was that all it was
when you close the door
passion left behind
out of sight and out of mind
gone forever
was that all it was?
was that all it was?
ooh tell me
did you use me?
huh?