david bowie

ch ch ch changes

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Life is like stepping into a boat that is about to sail out to sea and sink. — Shunryu Suzuki

for me, one of the most significant gifts we received from david bowie was permission to reinvent ourselves. try something on for a bit and then don’t feel saddled with that forever. you can always make a change.

i needed that permission. growing up a sissyboy in the 1970’s suburban chicago, that permission saved my sanity. i didn’t have to try to fit in to the mold of someone else’s idea of who i should be. i understood, i could be someone else. be different in different ways. my choice- not the bully’s choice. not the bigot’s choice. not the someone the homophobe decided. in some ways, i am sure that bowie’s transcendence saved my ass.

Changes
David Bowie

I still don’t know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I’d got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I’ve never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I’m much too fast to take that test

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don’t want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can’t trace time

I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence and
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They’re quite aware of what they’re going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don’t tell t hem to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Where’s your shame
You’ve left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can’t trace time

Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the pace I’m going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Oh, look out you rock ‘n rollers
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Pretty soon you’re gonna get a little older
Time may change me
But I can’t trace time
I said that time may change me
But I can’t trace time

 

gettin ziggy with it

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Ziggy really sang, screwed up eyes and screwed down hairdo Like some cat from Japan, he could lick 'em by smiling He could leave 'em to hang Here came on so loaded man, well hung and snow white tan. So where were the spiders while the fly tried to break our balls? Just the beer light to guide us. So we bitched about his fans and should we crush his sweet hands? Ziggy played for time, jiving us that we were Voodoo The kids was just crass, He was the naz With God given ass He took it all too far But boy could he play guitar. Making love with his ego Ziggy sucked up into his mind Like a leper messiah When the kids had killed the man I had to break up the band Ziggy played guitar
Ziggy really sang, screwed up eyes and screwed down hairdo
Like some cat from Japan, he could lick ’em by smiling
He could leave ’em to hang
Here came on so loaded man, well hung and snow white tan.
So where were the spiders while the fly tried to break our balls?
Just the beer light to guide us.
So we bitched about his fans and should we crush his sweet hands?
Ziggy played for time, jiving us that we were Voodoo
The kids was just crass,
He was the naz
With God given ass
He took it all too far
But boy could he play guitar.
Making love with his ego Ziggy sucked up into his mind
Like a leper messiah
When the kids had killed the man
I had to break up the band
Ziggy played guitar

Remember always that you are just a visitor here, a traveler passing through. your stay is but short and the moment of your departure unknown.
None can live without toil and a craft that provides your needs is a blessing indeed. But if you toil without rest, fatigue and wearness will overtake you, and you will denied the joy that comes from labour’s end.
Speak quietly and kindly and be not forward with either opinions or advice. If you talk much, this will make you deaf to what others say, and you should know that there are few so wise that they cannot learn from others.
Be near when help is needed, but far when praise and thanks are being offered.
Take small account of might, wealth and fame, for they soon pass and are forgotten. Instead, nurture love within you and and strive to be a friend to all. Truly, compassion is a balm for many wounds.
Treasure silence when you find it, and while being mindful of your duties, set time aside, to be alone with yourself. 
Cast off pretense and self-deception and see yourself as you really are.
Despite all appearances, no one is really evil. They are led astray by ignorance. If you ponder this truth always you will offer more light, rather then blame and condemnation.
You, no less than all beings have Buddha Nature within. Your essential Mind is pure. Therefore, when defilements cause you to stumble and fall, let not remose nor dark foreboding cast you down. Be of good cheer and with this understanding, summon strength and walk on.
Faith is like a lamp and wisdom makes the flame burn bright. Carry this lamp always and in good time the darkness will yield and you will abide in the Light.

Dhammavadaka
maybe the best i can do is be myself. be true to my nature. let the chips fall where they may. stay kind. find kind. choose kind.

 

under pressure

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On the other hand, what I like my music to do to me is awaken the ghosts inside of me. Not the demons, you understand, but the ghosts. David Bowie
On the other hand, what I like my music to do to me is awaken the ghosts inside of me. Not the demons, you understand, but the ghosts.
David Bowie

 

i think i may have reached a turning point in my career. at this juncture, i have encountered something which seems new and also defeatist. that something is fear.

i am not sure what exactly i am afraid of which might actually make this whole situation seem worse. i might be afraid of failure which is possible. i might be afraid of losing my security which has sensible attributes. i might actually be afraid  that my colleagues and supervisors may judge me although i have no doubt that they already engage in activities like that. but as i said, i am not sure what i might fearful of.

and being fearful is what is unusual for me. until now, i have just moved forward with ideas and creating processes and programs mostly because i was in the position to do so and i could channel the capability. as i stand on the threshold of doing more and creating more, i feel the winds of second thoughts and reticence and the whole thing has me a bit spooked.

experience tells me that creating processes and programs comes with a price tag. i have given up friends, i have let go of support mechanisms that were dear, and  i have walked through old trauma as it was triggered by a rival. i have played politics among frenemies as if it were a poker tournament for dollars and control.

this gambling and wagering and jockeying for the win happen to be my least favorite of all this. i would just prefer to have the freedom to create things and i definitely would prefer that all the processes and ideas i have would be wonderful and win accolades. sadly tho, that is fantastical rubbish. there are many players who have similar ideas and hold similar hopes.

maybe i just don’t want the competition. maybe i just don’t like to lose. i do like challenges. i don’t however like to walk precarious paths in order to rise above those challenges at least not while being scrutinized by rivals.

it seems that the turning point i speak of has to do with coming in off this ledge i seemed to have wandered onto. i have to make a decision to try something more (or not).  i guess we’ll see how this all turns out.

 

Turned away from it all like a blind man
Sat on a fence but it don’t work
Keep coming up with love but it’s so slashed and torn
Why, why, why?

Love

Insanity laughs under pressure we’re cracking
Can’t we give ourselves one more chance?
Why can’t we give love that one more chance?
Why can’t we give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love?..