death

almost blue

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a little bit blue

one of my family members has developed lung cancer and it is no longer treatable. it is no longer a matter of what, it is more a matter of when. how soon might even be a more accurate question.

loss of friends and families to nature continues to befuddle me. i lost my very best friend when i was 27 with quite a few following him. i lost my grandmother and grandfather shortly thereafter. all during that time i was expecting to walk the plank myself.  now i am not quite so  traumatized by the cycle of life, but i am sad.

my relative used to live in idaho springs and i would visit he and his wife with some regularity. i always cooked decadent meals for them because i liked the practice and i loved spoiling them. selfishly i liked to practice the dishes too. over the last 15 years we became quite connected. we even watched the south park movie and i lovingly have referred to him as uncle fucker ever since.

they moved away last year so he could be closer to a treatment option. i don’t know that i will see him again before he goes. somehow being aware that he knows how i feel and i know how he feels does not dilute the sadness very much.

a bonus here is finding comfort in sorrow. i mean in feeling. my life and my heart did not have room nor time to notice or experience true feelings such as this. there is definitely some grace in not running. emotional sobriey- i don’t know. but emotion ? certainly.

 

fallen angel

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One word could wash them away One word could take their place One word could wash them away One word could take their place Tears Regretting nothing but the pain My heart my life my world is filled with rain I'm drowning when the curtain comes down and the circus is through No one is left but me you and all my tears
One word could wash them away
One word could take their place
One word could wash them away
One word could take their place
Tears
Regretting nothing but the pain
My heart my life my world is filled with rain
I’m drowning when the curtain comes down and the circus is through
No one is left but me you and all my tears…frankie knuckles

 

i met frankie knuckles while he was in the dj booth at the warehouse chicago in 1978 or so. it was a very memorable and exciting night for me. i had never experienced a dj reworking records the way he was. he had 3 turntables and big blunt burning near the decks. i specifically remember being very surprised at his pleasant and welcoming demeanor and his sweet manner. over the years, i never say any change in that armor that frankie wore. if i could ever think of a term for him it would be angelic.

i did not become great friends with him, but he was very integrated into my world especially through 1987. dave medusa (who introduced us) was a huge fan of frankie’s and was actively working to make his dream of opening a club like the warehouse. dave finally took the plunge in 1983, opening up his north side chicago dance hall and i tried to help him make that dream come true. frankie played the club a few times and was very generous with giving advice and insight to dave over the years.

there are just a few individuals , characters, artists, souls, who have had the impact on my heart and mind the way that frankie has. there have been moments in my history that i will  never forget nor replicate as i got lost in the magic that frankie would weave as he worked. his craftsmanship was transformative for me. i touched heaven on a couple of those occasions. and the truth in that has helped keep me feeling blessed as i have trudged my way to a happy destiny.

i am still saddened by the news of his loss. i am also still so so grateful that he came into my life (or i passed through his). i stumbled across this interview on the cloud and i found it comforting and insightful. give it a listen.