almost blue

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a little bit blue

one of my family members has developed lung cancer and it is no longer treatable. it is no longer a matter of what, it is more a matter of when. how soon might even be a more accurate question.

loss of friends and families to nature continues to befuddle me. i lost my very best friend when i was 27 with quite a few following him. i lost my grandmother and grandfather shortly thereafter. all during that time i was expecting to walk the plank myself.  now i am not quite so  traumatized by the cycle of life, but i am sad.

my relative used to live in idaho springs and i would visit he and his wife with some regularity. i always cooked decadent meals for them because i liked the practice and i loved spoiling them. selfishly i liked to practice the dishes too. over the last 15 years we became quite connected. we even watched the south park movie and i lovingly have referred to him as uncle fucker ever since.

they moved away last year so he could be closer to a treatment option. i don’t know that i will see him again before he goes. somehow being aware that he knows how i feel and i know how he feels does not dilute the sadness very much.

a bonus here is finding comfort in sorrow. i mean in feeling. my life and my heart did not have room nor time to notice or experience true feelings such as this. there is definitely some grace in not running. emotional sobriey- i don’t know. but emotion ? certainly.


seductively vintage velvet

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“If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change.” - Buddha -
“If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change.” – Buddha –

people drift into and out of our lives for a plethora of reasons and an even more a variety of seasons. velvet was one of those sweet gifts that life offers.

the first time i remember seeing him was in the late 1970’s  on the dance floor at an after-hours club called Chicago 161 West. He had on a beaded vest with no shirt underneath and a pair of baggie hammer-type pants (long before mc hammer ever came along) he was dancing to a frankie knuckles mix and was rotating his right hand like he was winding up big ben or churning butter while standing up. he was a gypsy. he was magical. he was a muse for several of us.

his life was relatively fleeting. he died of aids in 1989- one of the earlier ones to go although he passed long after my friend paul. it must have been the drugs that he did. they must have stunted the virus. or perhaps his joie de vive was so potent that it kept viral replication at bay. or perhaps he was just a slow progressor.

velvet was not complicated. he was forthright. he spoke his mind. he was often tactless.

he was a warrior. he was fearless. he was fierce. he said “yes” to pleasure.

velvet taught me about acceptance. he showed me a side of loyalty that was intrinsically independent. his sense of tribal survival was reminiscent of my own gypsy tribe of origin.

and he was part of the wind beneath the rainbow flag long before it was created.

as i look upon my lgbt tribe of today, their homogenized demeanor, their fear of individuality, their toxic internalized homophobia.

i miss the days when scag drag was avant and the drag queens and the butches  were recognized and heralded for having led the way to freedoms in high contrast to the current trend to dismiss them because of the very idiosyncracies that afforded us progress.

i mourn today not only for the loss of a dear friend those 25 years ago, but also the loss of our permission to be a vibrant color on that flag instead of purchasing a bumper sticker. today most gays and lesbians know some bits and pieces of our magical faerie history but few really invite them in our weddings, dinner parties, or family celebrations. this part of our history seems to have become museum pieces that may be most at home in a cultural museum. like rotary phones and model-t’s.

“girl- he told me my hole was like velvet”

Oh don’t get me wrong
It’s not that I knock it
It’s just that I am not in the market
For a boy who wants to love only me

Yes, and I ain’t saying you ain’t pretty
All I’m saying is I’m not ready
For any person place or thing
To try and pull the reins in on me

So good-bye I’ll be leaving
I see no sense in this crying and grieving
We’ll both live a lot longer
If you live without me