new year

Measure Your Life in Love

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Art Gutierrez image credit

There is so much that has happened in this short holiday period in 2016. I had a successful season of parties. I was blessed with a bevy of unexpected bonuses which will carry me into the new year. I managed a sock and gloves giveaway for 100 persons that inspired not only myself, but many of my colleagues and friends. They seemed to revel in the opportunity to participate and had fun shopping and droppings items off to add to the bounty.

Holiday 2016 also brought my life to a screeching halt.i went to urgent care upon losing the sight in my left eye and was whisked to surgery 3 hours later to reverse a detached retina. After the 1st procedure proved ineffective, there was a pivot to a second strategy which totaled 6 hours in the OR. I am forced by circumstance to take time off and walking forward into an undetermined future.

An interesting side effect of a physical challenge are the psychological effects both immediate and delayed. What has been revealed are many desires as well as paranoias. This is the piece that inspires me to write today.
1) I have realized that my own nature is to procrastinate. I noticed floaters in my eye several months ago and kept putting off doing anything investigative about it. This lead directly to this emergency situation and my current predicament.
2) I am still only financially capable of handling what’s imperative today.i haven’t found the tenacity to be building a decent future for myself. I believe this is a by-product of self-esteem and shame-based trauma.
3) I have been working as a counselor with a homeless population and an opiate dependent culture for over 10 years.. It has been inspiring and exhausting. I want a change in my life.
4) I am in a situation currently that seems toxic to me. I seem to always be doing more and it’s never enough. I find myself torn between completing this cycle somehow, remaining fiscally fluid, and trusting the universe and making room for a larger shift in my world. I wonder ho all this may go.
As is my nature, my restless energy wants to figure all of it out now and not bother with patience or experience. I googled an older New Years message from Pema Chödrön which put some fears to rest:

December 31, 2014
THE SIX WAYS OF COMPASSIONATE LIVING
Generosity. Giving as a path of learning to let go.
Discipline. Training in not causing harm in a way that is daring and flexible.
Patience. Training in abiding with the restlessness of our energy and letting things evolve at their own speed. If waking up takes forever, still we go moment by moment, giving up all hope of fruition and enjoying the process.
Joyful enthusiasm. Letting go of our perfectionism and connecting with the living quality of every moment.
Meditation. Training in coming back to being right here with gentleness and precision.
Prajna (or transcendent wisdom). Cultivating an open, inquiring mind.

“Seasons Of Love” by Donny Osmond

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Moments so dear
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure-measure a year

In daylights- in sunsets
In midnights- in cups of coffee
In inches- in miles
In laughter- in strife

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life

How about love
How about love
How about love
Measure in love
Seasons of love
Seasons of love

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Journeys to plan
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure the life
Of a woman or a man

In truth that she learns
Or in times that he cried
In bridges he burned
Or the way that she dies

Its time now to sing out
Though the story never ends
Lets celebrate
Remember a year in the life of friends

Remember the love
Remember the love
Remember the love
Measure in love
Seasons of love
Seasons of love

A blessed new year to you.

 

 

 

wounded animal

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If the love within your mind is lost and you see other beings as enemies, then no matter how much knowledge or education or material comfort you have, only suffering and confusion will ensue.....dalai lama
If the love within your mind is lost and you see other beings as enemies, then no matter how much knowledge or education or material comfort you have, only suffering and confusion will ensue…..dalai lama

oh dear

what a year this has been. i have decided to refer to 2014 as the year of adjustments.

 

refinanced my home

purchased new car

vacated a position after 5 years

started and left another position

enrolled and dropped college in the same month

trained as peer coach and peer coach trainer

resigned volunteer board president position

contemplating developing new not-for-profit organization

painted interior of house different color (eucalyptus)

set new boundaries with family members and co-workers

de-activated facebook account

celebrated 10 years sobriety

started a consulting company

i guess it’s safe to say that 2014 has been a year of adjustments. i can’t say it was easy, but i can say it was worth it. have had a hella good year despite all the changes. in fact it was good due to changes. can definitely say i am looking forward to 2015.

“Wounded Animal”

I carried your heart
Like a wounded animal, soft
I kept my condolences to myself, soft
I spent my last hours defending how I fell

I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry
I didn’t try harder
I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry
I didn’t try at all
I lost myself when I found you in the fall
I left it all
I lost myself when I found you in the fall
I left it all

I carried your love
With a kind of urgency, scared
I kept all my senses from feeling you too much…mary lambert