resignation

slam dancing redux

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If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you; If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too; If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies, Or, being hated, don’t give way to hating, And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;If you can dream – and not make dreams your master; If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with triumph and disaster And treat those two imposters just the same; If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to broken, And stoop and build ‘em up with wornout tools;If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breath a word about your loss; If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on”;If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, Or walk with kings – nor lose the common touch; If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you; If all men count with you, but none too much; If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run – Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it, And – which is more – you’ll be a Man my son!!!!.... Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with wornout tools;If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on”;If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings – nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run –
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man my son!!!!…. Rudyard Kipling

“i don’t feel as if im set up to succeed here. i have a brief manual to go by, but i don’t feel comfortable asking you questions because when i do,  i feel shamed  with your responses.”

shame is your word. i understand that there are many components to your job. it’s 12 pages after all. but everything is written down. the people you have interacted with are very happy and feel very good with the style you work with. but we are not a counseling agency. the other employee has made herself available to answer your questions. but i just don’t see an effort from you. 

“i feel good about the job and the many different aspects of it. but this (hand motioning towards one then the other) doesn’t feel good to me. i am considering what to do. you need to let me know how much time you need if i decide to move on.  it would be better to leave this in as positive a light as possible.” 

this parceled jumble tosses round and round in my head. the string of it that remains tethered to my soul is best described by the concept that i talk with someone in an authority role about my feelings and i receive a hybrid of criticism, discount, and blame for expressing them. let me be clear here- lives do not depend upon my decisions. the actions which affect the direct quality of life would be those that i am interacting with outside the confines of the office. no- the actions i speak of are documenting and reporting issues. and i’m certain you can deduce from my description that these aspects of the workload do not come before people in my mind.

i honestly cannot decipher whether this is real or a reduction of my own personal drama or simply my truth which i must shoulder.  in any case, i recognize these dance moves through cellular memory. i have promised myself that i don’t need to live within the confines of this brand of oppression and dismissal. i can do the waltz or a slow dance. i can dance by myself or be still.  i deserve more. and so i seek more.

We are tired of your abuse
Try to stop us; it’s no use!

Society’s arms of control
Rise above! We’re gonna rise above!
Think they’re smart; can’t think for themselves
Rise above! We’re gonna rise above!
Laugh at us behind our backs
Rise above! We’re gonna rise above!
I find satisfaction in what they lack
Rise above! We’re gonna rise above!

We are tired of your abuse
Try to stop us; it’s no use!

We are tired of your abuse

Try to stop us; it’s no use!

We are born with a chance
Rise above! We’re gonna rise above!
I am gonna have my chance
Rise above! We’re gonna rise above!
We are born with a chance
Rise above! We’re gonna rise above!
And I am gonna have my chance
Rise above! We’re gonna rise above!!!.. black flag

come in from the rain

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"We should find perfect existence through imperfect existence. We should find perfection in imperfection. For us, complete perfection is not different from imperfection. The eternal exists because of non-eternal existence. In Buddhism it is a heretical view to expect something outside this world. We do not seek for something besides ourselves. We should find the truth in this world, through our difficulties, through our suffering. This is the basic teaching of Buddhism. Pleasure is not different from difficulty. Good is not different from bad. Bad is good; good is bad. They are two sides of one coin. So enlightenment should be in practice. That is the right understanding of practice, and the right understanding of our life. So to find pleasure in suffering is the only way to accept the truth of transiency. Without realizing how to accept this truth you cannot live in this world. Even though you try to escape from it, your effort will be in vain. If you think there is some other way to accept the eternal truth that everything changes, that is your delusion. This is the basic teaching of how to live in this world. Whatever you may feel about it, you have to accept it." - Shunryu Suzuki
“We should find perfect existence through imperfect existence. We should find perfection in imperfection. For us, complete perfection is not different from imperfection. The eternal exists because of non-eternal existence. In Buddhism it is a heretical view to expect something outside this world. We do not seek for something besides ourselves. We should find the truth in this world, through our difficulties, through our suffering. This is the basic teaching of Buddhism. Pleasure is not different from difficulty. Good is not different from bad. Bad is good; good is bad. They are two sides of one coin. So enlightenment should be in practice. That is the right understanding of practice, and the right understanding of our life. So to find pleasure in suffering is the only way to accept the truth of transiency. Without realizing how to accept this truth you cannot live in this world. Even though you try to escape from it, your effort will be in vain. If you think there is some other way to accept the eternal truth that everything changes, that is your delusion. This is the basic teaching of how to live in this world. Whatever you may feel about it, you have to accept it.” – Shunryu Suzuki

our nature is simply our nature. it is often said “don’t play in a lightning storm” yet so many of us do exactly that. i have been doing something very near anyway. my supervisions these last 2 months have been charged with condescension, passive aggresive projection, posturing, and hyper i’m-right-edness. needless to say it has been equally toxic and exhaustive.today i decided to take cover.it hur no more dancing in a lightning storm. it hurts too much. it just hurts too damn much.

taking chances has a way of becoming just that- chance. probablility and outcome influence my every move. i took a chance. and i am tumbling. i got burnt. gave me a boo boo. now what to do.

come in from the rain.

and then what?

Well, hello there
Good old friend of mine
You’ve been reaching for yourself
For such a long time
There’s so much to say
No need to explain
Just an open door for you
To come in from the rain

It’s a long road
When you’re all alone
And someone like you
Will always take the long way home
There’s no right or wrong
I’m not here to blame
I just want to be the one
Who keep you from the rain
From the rain

And it looks like sunny skies
Now that I know you’re alright
Time has left us
Older
And wiser
I know I am

‘Cause I think of us
Like an old cliche
But it doesn’t matter
‘Cause I love you anyway
Come in from the rain

And it looks like sunny skies
Now that I know you’re alright
Time has left us
Older
But Wiser
I know I am

 

hey now

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What is like a smelly fart, that, although invisible is obvious? One's own faults, that are precisely As obvious as the effort made to hide them." His Holiness the 7th Dalai Lama in 'Songs of spiritual change'
What is like a smelly fart,
that, although invisible is obvious?
One’s own faults, that are precisely
As obvious as the effort made to hide them.”
His Holiness the 7th Dalai Lama in ‘Songs of spiritual change’

there are times that a guy just needs to let go of his conscious self and act on instinct. i believe i am at one of those personal milestones. no guarantees. no safety net. just fear. and faith. no doubts. and no regrets.

hey now. hey now. it’s gotta be now. it’s gotta be soon. it better be now.

Hey now, letters burning by my bed for you
Hey now, I can feel my instincts here for you, hey now
By my bed for you, hey now, hey now

Uhu, you know it is frightening
Uhu, uhu, you know its like lightning
Hey now, now,

Hey now, letters burning by my bed for you
Hey now, leave it to the wayside like you do, for you
Imagination calling mirrors for you
Hey now, hey now

Read more: London Grammar – Hey Now Lyrics | MetroLyrics

this bird has flown

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“Control leads to compliance; autonomy leads to engagement.”  ― Daniel H. Pink
“Control leads to compliance; autonomy leads to engagement.”
― Daniel H. Pink

 

it is time to fly. i have had the most wonderful couple of weeks saying goodbye and good luck to clients. i know that i have had an incredible adventure. i put in my last hours at the local public hospital, and despite the fact that the final 6 months have been like watching flies writhe around helplessly in a pool of clover honey, i am leaving with a fondness for helping others and a stronger and more solid belief in education and in the priniciples and the miracles that recovery bring. i know this to be true in my own life.

i was looking for quotes to place beneath the cardinal enjoying his freedom and i came across several from the author of “drive”- daniel h. pink. they have captured my imagination. from what i can surmise, his premise in “drive” is his sharing what he has found to be authentic inspiration for growth and greatness in the workplace in lieu of the circumstances that create a deadhead approach to work and living. the shortest distance between two points may be a straight line, however a longer more circuitous journey may bring a much higher yield in the long run.

i heartily relate to this idea that compliance is not at all linked to productivity, profit, or creativity. compliance  is merely putting blinders on or shackles. it sucks the yellow and blue out of the day.

i  left the safety of the nest i had built. i have no straight line. i will fly. i keep saying to myself that i have to believe in myself and in my life. and here is where the rubber meets the road. i do believe in myself and i welcome into my life wonderful wonderful things. and i am flying again towards inspiration and motivation. wings- don’t fail me now….

Drive Quotes 
 
“The ultimate freedom for creative groups is the freedom to experiment with new ideas. Some skeptics insist that innovation is expensive. In the long run, innovation is cheap. Mediocrity is expensive—and autonomy can be the antidote.”   TOM KELLEY General Manager, IDEO” 
― Daniel H. PinkDrive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us
“Greatness and nearsightedness are incompatible. Meaningful achievement depends on lifting one’s sights and pushing toward the horizon.” 
― Daniel H. PinkDrive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us
“Newtonian physics runs into problems at the subatomic level. Down there–in the land of hadrons, quarks, and Schrödinger’s cat–things gent freaky. The cool rationality of Isaac Newton gives way to the bizarre unpredictability of Lewis Carroll.” 
― Daniel H. PinkDrive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us
“The monkeys solved the puzzle simply because they found it gratifying to solve puzzles. They enjoyed it. The joy of the task was its own reward.” 
― Daniel H. PinkDrive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us
“The problem with making an extrinsic reward the only destination that matters is that some people will choose the quickest route there, even if it means taking the low road. Indeed, most of the scandals and misbehavior that have seemed endemic to modern life involve shortcuts.” 
― Daniel H. PinkDrive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us
“People can have two different mindsets, she says. Those with a “fixed mindset” believe that their talents and abilities are carved in stone. Those with a “growth mindset” believe that their talents and abilities can be developed. Fixed mindsets see every encounter as a test of their worthiness. Growth mindsets see the same encounters as opportunities to improve.” 
― Daniel H. PinkDrive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us
“Human beings have an innate inner drive to be autonomous, self-determined, and connected to one another. And when that drive is liberated, people achieve more and live richer lives.” 
― Daniel H. PinkDrive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us
“Goals may cause systematic problems for organizations due to narrowed focus, unethical behavior, increased risk taking, decreased cooperation, and decreased intrinsic motivation. Use care when applying goals in your organization.” 

 

like i ache

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“Sometimes you need to sit lonely on the floor in a quiet room in order to hear your own voice and not let it drown in the noise of others.”  ― Charlotte Eriksson
“Sometimes you need to sit lonely on the floor in a quiet room in order to hear your own voice and not let it drown in the noise of others.”
― Charlotte Eriksson

i met my best friend in 1980 at an after hours club named “columns” located on south michigan avenue in chicago. it was synchronicity once we started chatting. conversation and the exchange of ideas were as easy as breathing for me. we so enjoyed talking that after closing we walked along lake shore drive up to the lakeview neighborhood (halsted street) where we lived.

i remember declaring that a person’s hope in life is often directly connected to their demise. he agreed with me and declared me a philisophical human being.

human doing human being spiritual being being free free time down time time to go go for it it will or won’t

“Doll Parts”

I am

Doll eyes
Doll mouth
Doll legs
I am
Doll arms
Big veins
Dog bait

Yeah, they really want you
They really want you, they really do
Yeah, they really want you
They really want you, and I do too

I want to be the girl with the most cake
I love him so much, it just turns to hate
I fake it so real I am beyond fake
And someday you will ache like I ache
And someday you will ache like I ache
And someday you will ache like I ache
And someday you will ache like I ache
Someday you will ache like I ache

I am doll parts
Bad skin
Doll heart
It stands
For knife
For the rest
Of my life

apres spring storm

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“A family is a place where minds come in contact with one another. If these minds love one another the home will be as beautiful as a flower garden. But if these minds get out of harmony with one another it is like a storm that plays havoc with the garden.” ― Gautama Buddha
“A family is a place where minds come in contact with one another. If these minds love one another the home will be as beautiful as a flower garden. But if these minds get out of harmony with one another it is like a storm that plays havoc with the garden.”
― Gautama Buddha

 

here in the rocky mountains we have had a few weeks of tumultuous weather that has wreaked a bit of havoc in our daily lives. snow storms, ice storms, tornadoes, hail storms, thunder storms, and fierce and furious winds. i have loved the chaos and the quiet that follows them.

this  has been mirrored in my internal weather patterns as well. last november i ran into a wall and twisted and turned like a fox caught in a trap. i made a decision to wait to make a larger decision until i felt less acutely emotional about the situation.

6 or 7 months have transpired and the emotionality has returned. this time however, i have made a decision to change mostly because i don’t like the taste of waiting any longer in this particular instance. it’s like having a stunning flowering shrub in the garden. after it gets pummelled by hail and snow a couple of times, it is no longer beautiful. and for the sake of the garden it may make sense to remove the bush entirely and replace it with a new one.

this is where i am at with my career. it is revealed that i need to expand my horizons.  i can’t let my emotions run my life, however they are the best guidebook i have. learning to listen and then knowing when to act and when not to are the complicated parts of recovery for me. i might actually struggle with these very issues until the end of my journey.

i have chosen to make my decision to change known before i know toward which direction i am changing.  it is not practical, nor is it fiscally sound. those 2 qualities continue to excite me. i have health insurance issues, i have mortgage issues, i have self-esteem issues all enmeshed with my career. but whether i have a strong root system and healthy drainage will most determine whether i survive.

as each springs brings a renewed sense of growth and optimism, i am finding that each pass i cycle through my emotional body, i grow too. a storm creates change, creates damage, cleans away some of the old. right now it seems i need this in my life more than anything.

i have played this mix twice and love love love it already