i have posted some efforts i have engaged in during my recovery before. i founded an hiv newsletter for Denver and helped kickstart a peer advocacy organization for hiv+ which created a platform for educational forums, dinners for newly diagnosed, and the continuation of 2 weekend retreats in majestic grand lake colorado.
i haven’t ever really hesitated with beginning things until i started working at the public hospital. that somehow put the fear of judgement and failure in me. prior to this however, i had already lost everything, so losing didn’t hold any weight or influence my decisions.
about a year into the not-for-profit business a friend named carl frazier was murdered on the outskirts of downtown. there was much gossip and innuendo about his death. people were saying the coldest and most unkind things. it was very disappointing. carl’s sister came to denver to speak with detectives about the details they had on the case. i met with her and she showed me the murder site, and gave me a rundown of their paltry case. she was frustrated and being the good co-dependent i am, my heart went out to her.
so simultaneously i encountered disappointment with my hiv community and their seemingly nasty habit of back biting their comrades and the visible and palpable heartbreak of a siblings sense of frustration and loss. i decided to create an award to thank a member of our community for their volunteerism and advocacy. since 2009, treatment education network (ten) has recognized a member of our small community to say “thank you” for their hard work and efforts.
carl’s murderer has since been discovered. he was killed during a robbery in 2012 and discovered through dna samples. i have resigned from ten and am no longer involved in the game. and the current members have decided that i should be recognized this year to receive the carl frazier commemorative award. i don’t feel the same way but i have learned that visibilty can be as supportive as a good ear and a strong shoulder.
so i will suit up and show up. better than shooting up and throwing up.
back to basics here in colorado. i have a 2nd interview with an organization that i am hopeful about. i have not been so glad to be home in quite awhile. the last travel escapade with murphy’s law really wore me out a bit. i have survived however.
it turns out that the medical director for the methadone clinic i worked for has given her resignation also. it seems i might have started a trend. and a counselor/social worker i was supervising has taken a position there now. and change is happening as it always is and always shall be.
i don’t really remember being as hopeful as i feel right now. i have enough in my life right now and i am open to what will come.
my belief is that heaven and hell are the things we experience right now as a direct result of our decisions and our actions right now. i believe in reincarnation and i believe we transcend. my hope is to understand and “get” as much as i can now so that if i return i don’t have to start at square one.
“Sacrificing anonymity may be the next generation’s price for keeping precious liberty, as prior generations paid in blood.”
― Hal Norby
i am fairly certain that the unknowing i am experiencing is very much what my favorite buddhist authors describe. it is the space between leaving the ground after deciding to dive and before i hit the water. there is a tentative quality and a sense of fear and not knowing. it is completely disconnected and yet it is described as the true way to adventure.
i can’t go back-and really wouldn’t even if. where i was had been toxic for some time and i was too sheepish to admit. but i was slowly disengaging from my work and my days and watching in slow motion as a deadly collision came into view.
so i find myself here- on the verge of i know not what. i am trusting my life and second guessing that trust. and trusting again and re second guessing. it’s a bit kooky. but it’s my process.
i have made a choice and taken a direction. it is not the beginning, nor is it even close to the end of the journey. i can’t say just where i am going, nor can i precisely relay where i have just been. that will take some time.
but i have jumped. and i am flying. i notice fear. i feel uninformed. i feel restless. i do not know. but i am flying anyway.
and i am more than grateful for this experience. this is all borrowed time. i never planned it. yet it’s mine. for now.
i have dived right in. they say the water is fine. i guess i’ll let you know.